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May 14, 2011

Un-news story about Arnold's new sitcom gig, despite what you may have heard.

Despite recent reports in which That 70s Show actor Aston Kutcher is reported to have signed a contract to take the lead role in the sitcom Two And A Half Men alongside Jon Cryer, the network announced in a press release this morning that recent California governor and former film star Arnold Schwarzenegger has actually been tapped for the role, which he will begin shooting episodes of this summer.

Schwarzenegger, who recently split with his wife of 25 years, Maria Shriver, said in an early morning press conference that since he is now single again and relieved of his stressful state executive job he would like to “live a little, the way I did back in 70s.” He said that taking on a high-profile but relatively low-stress sitcom role would allow him to “pursue pleasure” in his spare time while remaining in the eye of the public.

The Austrian-born former bodybuilder will play Herman Guttentag, the thus-far never mentioned biological father of Alan and Charlie Harper, who in the brothers’ youth was a musclebound neighbor known as “Mr. Herman.” A retired bodybuilder who had returned to his native Austria to run for and serve as President of that country, he was forced from office after a sex scandal and now hosts a fitness show on an obscure cable network in the U.S. In the first episode of the coming season Alan’s mother will reveal to him that Herman is his actual father as the aging muscleman moves into Charlie’s home with Alan and his son Jake (Angus Jones) after losing his house in a divorce. The absent Charlie is explained to be away in New York working on a Broadway musical.

Schwarzenegger, who will also voice a character on the new animated show The Governator, says that he looks forward to working with Cryer, Jake and the others as he showed off his new tattoo of the German phrase “Ich gewinne (I’m winning)” on his right bicep to reporters. Arnold says that he is looking for a new mansion in Malibu, purchasing a series of antique firearms and holding interviews for various household staff, including a driver, a masseuse and 2-3 “goddesses.”

“Because I’m over 60 and haven’t acted much lately some may assume that I am a little past my prime,” said the man once known as the Austrian Oak, “but nothing could be further from the truth. I’m a Messerschmitt, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.”

Arnold went on to say that in addition to his work on the sitcom and his animated show, he plans to spend time working as a “Vatican assassin warlock.”