Tabloid Terror: Turn Him To Mush

This month’s issue of Cosmopolitan features a bizarre cover story called “12 Love Moves That Turn Him To Mush.” The title left me both confused and a bit aroused. If you love someone, why would you want them to melt? Well, naturally the only way for me to find out was to read the article, and, whoo! All a gal has to do is use one of Cosmo’s super secret sex moves with names like the “Chainsaw Gear Grinder” and the “Skull Bedazzle,” and hump her man into a slushy oblivion. From there, the mush begins to snake and squirm around the room in a state of abject terror unmatched since John Goodman’s wife first saw him naked. Once the mush is scooped up with a shovel, there are several things she can do with it. Many women like to toss it into an empty fish tank and poke it with a stick every now and again. Hmmm....well, that’s that, I suppose. Watch out for those love moves, fellas. And remember, have fun!