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February 05, 2015

Johnny Depp is getting married this weekend, but not before having one last hurrah with his closest bros.


Johnny Depp is getting married this weekend, and all the bros out there know what that means: BACHELOR PARTY! Here is the leaked email invite/party itinerary Johnny sent out to all of his rowdiest buddies.

From: Johnny Depp
To: timburton@spookymail.swirl, helenabonhamcarter2@gmail.com, keithrichards@compuserve.net,HooAh69@alpacino.org
Subject: Bachelor party this weekend

Greetings, fellow scoundrels.

Your old mate Johnny here. Doubtless by now you’ve all read in the tabloids of my upcoming nuptials to Amber Heard — a great young chick who truly gets my music.

As you can tell by my casual use of the word “chick,” Johnny Depp is first and foremost a “guy’s guy.” That’s why I hereby request the pleasure of your company at a truly ribald event: my bachelor party. I can think of no better gallery of rogues with whom to commemorate my last few days of singlehood than those CC’d on this email. It’ll be one last chance to sow my wild oats before I’m forever shackled to my beautiful 28-year-old wife on our private island off the coast of France.

Here’s the itinerary:

11:45 a.m. – A boat will pick you up at LAX — don’t question this, trust in the magic.

12:15 p.m. – A grizzled sea captain with a crooked gait will emerge from the hull and ask you three riddles. This will be me.

12:20p.m. – Shock and applause as the salty codger (me) removes his wig and says “Let’s boogie!”

12:25p.m. – jaunty Men’s Dance

1:00 p.m. – Mead shots!

1:15 p.m.- Al Pacino and I joke around about who’s more nuts, me or him

2:30 p.m. – We decide that we’re both nuts, certifiable even

3:00 p.m. – Ship runs aground on horse-filled beach

3:15–4 p.m. – Jumping from horse to horse while fighting off a line of foes

4–6 p.m. – Leather bracelet seminar feat. Anthony Keidis and Orlando Bloom

6:15 p.m. – Rum journaling

6:20 p.m. – We all act totally and utterly irreverent for five straight minutes

6:25 p.m. – Visit rolled-cigarette room at local cigar bar

6:30 p.m. – Make haste to nearby pub for grogs and meads

8 p.m. – Get back on boat, which is now an antique hot air balloon (no questions, simply embrace the whimsy)

8:45 p.m. – Arrive at the Viper Room for impromptu jam session featuring Keith Richards, Eddie Vedder, Keanu Reeves, and don’t even think about asking me to get up there, you guys…

8:50 p.m. – No, you couldn’t pay me to get up there and play guitar right now so don’t even try…

8:52 p.m. – FINE, you forced my hand, you knaves!

9 p.m.–12 a.m. – Me and the boys delve into some truly mind-bending jams. Several members of Oasis join us onstage.

12:15 a.m. – Group selfie (which I won’t look at because I never look at my own work)

And after that, we’re all gonna go to a strip club

Sorry, clicked send too fast — we’re all gonna go to a strip club dumpster to pick me out some new scarves.

Hope to see you there!