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September 28, 2015
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After Papal address, Conservative Christians Renounce Christianity

Members of the Conservative faction of the Republican Party were said to be infuriated by what they termed “an outright attack on Christian values” when the Pope addressed Congress last week. After frantically reviewing the New Testament, however, they quickly learned they had nothing at all in common with Christian values, resulting in a complete renunciation of Christianity as the moral center of the Conservative movement.

“We were all taken aback by what he [The Pope] was saying,”stated Congressman Mark Meadows (R-NC), “So we decided to go back and read the New Testament. It turns out Jesus was a progressive, liberal a-hole. I don’t know what kind of deal that Christianity thing is, but it sure as hell isn’t what I signed up for.“

The Conservative political movement, which has gained momentum in the past 30 years espousing lower taxes for the wealthy, banks without regulations and the retention of traditional fossil fuel-based industry in the face of global climate change, has operated under the principal that God loves 1% of the population the most and that the rest of the population should “buck up”. A principal they thought was built on Christian doctrine until this past Thursday.

“No question we were all pretty surprised when we actually read the Bible. Jesus was all about helping the sick and reserving judgment of others to God, and we are literally working to remove healthcare and build walls at our borders. We should really have read it a long time ago. Quite frankly, we’re all a little embarrassed.”

One noted Conservative was so taken by the differences between the actions of his party and the teachings of Jesus, he resigned from Congress the day after the Pope’s visit. “This morning I woke up, said my prayers, as I always do, and thought,‘This is the day I’m going to do this’.“ He later said he was uncertain to what God he had likely been praying, but thinks now it may have been either Zeus or one of the ancient Pharaohs. “I’m stumped,” he said through a veil of tears.

Indeed it is yet uncertain which religion will replace Christianity as the head of the Republican Conservative movement. “I heard the next Dalai Lama is supposed to be a hot chick,” noted Meadows. “No idea what Buddhism is, but it sounds a hell of a lot more fun than a guy hanging out with lepers. Am I right? Up top.”

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