Ah, yes, my sweet child. Wipe that look of despair off your face– these troubled times may not be so troubled indeed, at least for us.Turn off your TV, stop reading those articles about all of the political turmoil and partisan media fighting. Let Uncle Peter whisper sweet nothings into your ear.
Things seem crazy; out of control. Every argument on Facebook will repeat forever, with each side growing louder and angrier and learning nothing. People are more and more stuck in their ideological trenches and yet somehow, the footing beneath them feels more unsteady than it ever has.
My beautiful, sexy child: I extend my hand to you now. Don’t you see? Chaos is a ladder. You, a sixteen year old girl, and I, a 50-something man with difficulty forming meaningful relationships with adults of the same age, shall use this instability around us to make a power grab. Here’s how we’ll do it:
Step One: Create a YouTube Channel
Step Two: Stream ourselves playing video games and build a massive following by appealing to fear, existing prejudice, and bias while using powerful debate techniques like argument from ignorance to willfully deceive and confuse others. Sow chaos.
Step Three: Get Elected President by running on platforms that appeal to fear, existing prejudice, and bias while using powerful debate techniques like telling people to shut up and dog-whistling.
Step Four: Change Laws About Marrying Teenage Girls
Step Five: You And I Get Married
Step Six: Step Five Was The End Goal, I Don’t Really Have Other Ideas After That One
Step Seven: Again, I Really Just Have that One Idea. Happy to Listen to Other Ideas if You Have Them, but Really the Most Important Part of This are Steps Four and Five.
Don’t you see, my beautiful niece by marriage? Now is the time! Hey, where are you going? Come back! I’m just kidding, maybe!