I intended to mention this from the very start, but we deeply apologize for any offensive language and/or sick-witted humor. This is our release, our escape from the monotony of reality. This is solely fantasy, hence the name.
But don't get me wrong, things get serious. We are men, and therefore we are competitive. So sometimes our emotions get the best of us. I'm sure you understand.
Anyway, let's move on to the next one. Same deal--owners legend provided below. More on the way.
Professional Blues = me (Fox)
my ninjas = black
Jack D Rocks = brown
Legion of Doom = blue
RamRods = red
Bastard Mutants = orange
T. Green? = green
AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)
CANT WAIT = turquoise
Bruce Blingstein = gray
FaNasty News Around The League (Week 8)
PROFESSIONAL BLUES v. RAMRODS
The Professional Blues come into this week feeling very confident after edging out my ninjas last week without starting quarterbacks Mike Vick and Ryan Fitzmagic. They come into this week boasting an offense in full force, including receivers Anquan Boldin, Vincent Jackson, and Marques Colston reuniting for the first time as starters since week one. About his emerging PB Squad, Fox commented, "I was waiting to get a call this week from J*** with a real shitty trade proposal, but he never called. That guy's a piece of work. But all joking aside, I think this week is one where our team can really show the league just how serious we are now that we have all the tools in place." We were finally able to drag RamRods owner J*** C****** out of his filthy hole, and he had few words for his upcoming opponent. "I hate [Fox]. [He's] going down." These teams may also be traveling in opposite directions. While I don't see the RamRods as a non-playoff team, I definitely think their prior 4-2 record wasn't fully telling; especially considering the odd spontaneous decision-making of their owner and the inconsistency of their players. I think this is a good matchup between two solid teams, but I don't think we have seen Fox with a starting offense with as much potential as this all season. (Professional Blues -13.5)
AK-47 v. BRUCE BLINGSTEIN
Now if this matchup were last week, I wouldn't have even wasted my fucking time reporting on it. But since Adam's AK-47 club shocked T. Green? last week, this team's story is becoming a little more compelling. Not only will they handle L***'s club this weekend, but look for them to make a second half playoff push; or at least become a formidable spoiler in the late season. AK-47 owner Adam simply stated, "I'm just hoping to get in the playoffs." With my ninjas slowly dying (in that sad way like when boxing great Muhammad Ali got manhandled against Trevor Berbick), AK-47 can look to pass them next in the rankings in a couple weeks. Blingstein owner M*** L*** was without comment as usual, but it seems like he is going to go ahead with benched quarterbacks Rex Grossman (backup to John Beck) and Donovan McNabb (backup to Christian Ponder) for a second straight week. He must be hoping that both Beck and Ponder suffer game-ending injuries as soon as their games begin. Risky call once again, but definitely shows gusto (that kind of gusto that let's everyone know you're throwing in the towel while simultaneously waving the white flag). AK-47 big this week--this team will go as Arian Foster goes. (AK-47 -44.5)
CANT WAIT v. LEGION OF DOOM
The CANT WAIT club faces a tough test this weekend against the first place LoD, and their owner E***** S****** is more than ready. He says he has been spending the week getting his players ready and shaking up the lineup through free agency, but don't look for him to make major changes. S******'s CANT WAIT club has the most points produced by draft picks (with the Professional Blues having the most post-draft acquisition points), so look for him to only shuffle around a couple defensive spots and maybe one offensive spot. S****** ended his weekly conference by stating, "The Legion of Douchebags is going down, no disrespect. But they suck, no disrespect." He also alluded to a potential league conspiracy based on the fact that Legion owner B** J**** had the first pick in the draft. J**** remains carefree and is just riding the wave of his team's first half success. About his team's next two weeks, he said, "Feeling confident. CANT WAIT for an opportunity to make it six straight wins before my team's bye week--aka Bruce Blingstein matchup." J**** thinks this week will still be a battle of sorts, but he believes Matt Forte's bye will cost S****** some valuable points. J**** may be focused for this weekend's showdown with the third place CANT WAIT club, but he did admit that he has his rematch with the Bastard Mutants circled on his calendar. I think J**** needs to be ready come this weekend, but he usually does, and his club usually wins. Look for the beat to go on for B** and the Legion as they hold off CANT WAIT...no disrespect. (CANT WAIT +25.5)
T.GREEN? v. MY NINJAS
***** ** *** ****** alums D** O******** and T** P****** have been competing against each other their entire lives. This weekend will be no different, as O********'s my ninjas go up against P******'s T.Green? club. P****** has been facing hot teams all season, and last week he suffered a loss to a big performance by AK-47 against his bye-ridden club. While quarterback Blaine Gabbert will get his "first and only start this week" for T.Green?, my ninjas have a heavier case of byearrhea. P****** is the least bit concerned with O********'s team and thinks that they only have quarterback Matt Moore as a potential threat, which is close to saying that he only has Doug Baldwin (Who?) as a potential threat (recently released). P****** ended his conference by asking that FN News tell RamRods owner J*** C****** that he will NOT trade running back LeSean McCoy for DeAngelo Williams. On the other side of the field, my ninjas owner O******** is frustrated with his team's recent performance, especially considering the fact that his quarterback Aaron Rodgers is giving it his all each week. He said that he and his entire team need to "take a look in the mirror." He called this weekend without Rodgers a "joke" and seemed to show signs of desperation. "If anyone is looking to put me back in the hunt, give me an offer. I'm open to anything." Um, hands up for those looking to put my ninjas back in the hunt? I don't know what kind of approach O******** is taking here, but he may be in trouble. Since you said you're open to anything, you may have just got some attention from C******. He's probably whipping up some tremendously shitty proposal for you right now. Anyway, I think T. Green? shows up and bounces back this week, but look for my ninjas to at least put up a fight out of sheer desperation. (T.Green? -26.5)
JACK D ROCKS v. BASTARD MUTANTS
Seems like we have a week of some friendly foes. JDR owner S** C******* and Mutants owner D** S***** used to match up against each other in flag football as kids at ****** Elementary School. Now, both friends are team owners in the National FaNasty League, and they continue to square up against one another. The two owners are strange in their own regard, and we caught up with both for their even stranger comments. S***** comes into this week only trailing J****'s Legion of Doom in the rankings. About last week's win and this week's matchup, S***** said, "I blew (out) Jack hard. This week I play some shitter that is drunk on whiskey beef. I'm gonna crush him into grits." S***** entered this week's press session with a newly-grown beard, but I could have sworn I still saw chicken wing sauce splattered underneath his facial coat. That guy's a Neanderthal, no doubt about it. C******* entered his conference sure-sounding, then he took a trivial tangent. He started off saying that his team needed to move forward and look past last week, followed by saying that they need to do their job and execute against a "roadblock" of a team in the Bastard Mutants. He then made a shocking comment, claiming there's a rumor that D** S***** and the entire Bastard Mutants team are necrophiles. "Brees especially likes dead buttholes," S** claimed. He then quickly backtracked by stating that he is just into "drinkin' whiskey and scorin' points," and that he is not into all the "gossip and hoopla." So you just insinuated that the opposing quarterback likes to have anal sex with dead people, yet you're not about the gossip? I'd like to say upset alert here, but Drew Brees is playing at a high level going into St. Louis against the Rams. Team JDR just can't seem to catch a break. (Bastard Mutants -28.5)