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June 19, 2008


blood looks fantastic when it's oozing out of a head wound. the flow has to be just right for it to feel artistic. too little a wound and the blood appears watery. too large and it's just spurting all over the place so all your attention has to focus on stopping the bleeding or the patient will die and that would ruin all the fun. but the way blood oozes from a solid, deep puncture wound to the front half of the skull...just thinking about it sends chills down my spine.  it's thicker, seems almost "goopy" and it looks like it's alive...some sort of liquid life form thats trying to escape its cranial prison. and when it comes out like that i can take my time because the wound won't bleed out. so i enjoy the look of it as i soothe the patient, preparing them for the procedures ahead...really, i'm just staring at the blood oozing out of the wound.

    the smiling, attractive girl in front of me has one of these wounds...and it's perfect. she almost seems proud of it. that's when i notice the scars. on her arms and legs and hands...and a small one on the back of her head. and i remember patching up everyone of those wounds. "back again, i see", i say to her in my stern voice. "just wanted to see you", she always flirts, no matter how long it takes me to recognize her. our eyes meet and, just like always, i flinch at her unwavering stare. i stare at her bare knees. her skin would be perfect if not for the four inch long scar on her upper thigh. "you like this one, don't you" she says. she's not asking, she knows what my weakness is. "it's okay, you don't have to fix it right away". i still can't look at her. she can't be more than seventeen and the oozing hole in her head has made her irresistable and the fact that she put it there just for me practically forces the heart out of my chest.

i keep telling myself that i'm not going to get sucked in again. i have to be strong. i go to the nurses station and get the bandages. my hands are shaking, and i know i've lost already, and this time it's gonna cost me my job. my body shakes as i try and control a sob. i take a breath and head back to the injured girl.

when i get back to her she's let the blood run down her forehead in one big, thick drop all the way to her chin. i look away and bite my index finger. "you wanna touch it, don't you" she says. without teasing. it's just a fact and she knows it. i do want to touch it. "you know what you have to do". and she smiles...like a mother smiles when she finds the right reward for her child to get them to clean their room. i try to takje a breath, to calm myself to end this right now...but before i can finish exhaling, i'm already in front of the public address micraphone, finger on the button, saying all the things the employees and patients of this hospital don't want to hear. "Nurse Flemming has been screwing Dr. Pendergast in the supply closet..and i know this because dylan the orderly caught them while he was sneaking in to steal hypodermic needles." i couldn't stop the slander... dark and damning hospital secrets just poured our of my mouth like vomit, "Nurse Ericsson argeed to up Mr.Gurierrez's morphine drip if he ate her out in his private bathroom" the girl with the head wound was looking around wide-eyed. cackling everytime she saw someone burst into tears or scream at me to shut the fuck up. but this was all just build up, she knew how this little outburst would end. my brain was frantically trying to make my mouth stop moving, but to no avail i would drop the other shoe, and you didn't even know the first one had fallen.

"I am the Chief of Medicine's personal butt-boy, and that's how i get away with this"

the girl with the head would was beside herself, and the blood in her wound had gotten out of control. it was no longer and artistic, oozing temptation. it was a bleeding, unwanted, orifice in her skull. and i rushed over to tend to her. all her power over me evaporated...till the next time she comes in to get her fix.