Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 05, 2009


Okay, so I wake up this morning at my usual 5:30 a.m.  Why do I even bother setting my alarm clock?  I set it for 6:00 a.m., but it never gets to go off.  I don't even know what it sounds like.  Usually the first thing I do is get on the computer.  So that's what I do.  Check facebook.  Nothing new.  Check FOD.  Crappy pic for the caption contest, as usual.  Haven't been able to work up enough interest to really post any caps in a while.  But I have to admit I enjoy doing the WSS caption coalition.  He always puts up a good pic, plus getting a nod from one of your peers means more.

So as I'm fooling around on the computer, I get the call of nature:  as is usual, every morning about the same time.  So I go into my other office, take a seat,...and nothing.  Oh I need to go alright, but it ain't budging.  All of a sudden it dawns on me:  holy crap, I don't think I went yesterday.  How in hell did I miss a day?  I'm as regular as Old Faithful.  Damn.  My wife goes maybe once or twice a week, no big deal. I miss one goddamn day, and it's packed down there like cement, and feels about as big as a coke can.  

So what the hell am I gonna do now?  After about 20 minutes of tentative straining, I come to the conclusion that this may take all day to rectify.  So I make my calls into work, that I'm not going to make it in.  And I'm already getting a little scared.  I can hear the fear in my voice as I'm instrucing my assistant on what needs to be done today.

I also realize I might could use a little assistance.  So I get dressed, hop in my truck and head for the nearest pharmacy.  I never realized there were so many brands of stool softener.  I have a hard time picking which one.  And I start to get a little more scared as I'm reading the directions on each:  take once a day, preferably at bedtime with a large glass of water?  Just how long is this going to take?! 

So after finally just picking one, I start to formulate a backup plan.  I look all over the goddamn pharmacy, but can't find a damn enema bulb, or whatever the hell you call them.  Gee, I don't know, I've never had to use one before.  And I'm sure as hell not about to ask anyone.  The closest thing I find is one of those little ear irrigators, for washing the wax out of your ears.  I almost get that too, but start to think how that's going to look with my other purchase, and decide not to.  Maybe I can find an old turkey baster at home, or something, if I need to.

So I walk up to the cashier, and hand her the stool softener.  She takes one look at it, and without missing a beat, and in a total deadpan, off-the-cuff delivery, says, "Is that for here or to go?"