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October 27, 2014
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Exclusive audio from Captain Planet and his girlfriend.

In what is becoming more common by the day, TMZ has leaked yet another audio recording from a soon-to-be-disgraced celebrity. Today’s scandal is a real shocker as it comes from America’s sweetheart, Captain Planet.

Check it out.


AUDIO TRANSCRIPT

CAPTAIN PLANET: Rebecca. It’s Captain Planet. I don’t know what’s going on with you but please call me back.
CAPTAIN PLANET: Rebecca. It’s Planet. I just flew past your house. I know you’re there. Pick up.
…You’re impossible.
CAPTAIN PLANET: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?! PICK UP. THE POWER IS YOURS.
CAPTAIN PLANET: Alright if you’re just gonna be a fucking—
REBECCA: What do you want, Captain Planet?!
CAPTAIN PLANET: FINALLY! What is going on with you?!
REBECCA: I SAW you.
CAPTAIN PLANET: Saw me what?!
REBECCA: I SAW YOU. LITTER.
CAPTAIN PLANET: That was … someone else…
REBECCA: Captain Planet, you are impossible to mistake for another person.
CAPTAIN PLANET: Coulda been Dave Franco.
REBECCA: It wasn’t Dave Franco.
CAPTAIN PLANET: Ughhhh … fine.
REBECCA: So you’re admitting it?
CAPTAIN PLANET: I just … I love littering.
REBECCA: Wait, you LOVE it?
CAPTAIN PLANET: Yeah, it’s really fun. And I think if you do it, you’re cool.
REBECCA: But your entire deal is trying to get people to recycle.
CAPTAIN PLANET: Beck, the truth is I don’t even know what that word means.
REBECCA: You don’t know what recycle means?
CAPTAIN PLANET: I think it’s like … instead of bottled water you’re supposed to drink toilet water or something?
REBECCA: That’s not what recycling is.
CAPTAIN PLANET: Well whatever it is, I don’t do it.
REBECCA: But your job is to fight pollution.
CAPTAIN PLANET: I’m a glowing blue person. No one’s doing anything worse to the ozone layer than I am.
REBECCA: That’s radiation coming off you?!
CAPTAIN PLANET: Yeah. I’m basically like covering yourself in baby oil and looking directly at the sun.
REBECCA: You’re gonna give the Planeteers cancer!
CAPTAIN PLANET: Those kids are nerds with bad accents. One of them has the power of HEART. His superpower is literally BEING NICE.
REBECCA: What about the others?
CAPTAIN PLANET: You wanna hear the power of Wind? [muffled farting. unsure if real or not]
REBECCA: How is this possible?! You told me you converted your used coffee grinds into nutrient rich compost!
CAPTAIN PLANET: What? I throw my used coffee grinds on orphans.
REBECCA: At orphans?!
CAPTAIN PLANET: Yeah. It’s called a Crapaccino. It’s hilarious. We do it a lot, you can come with us sometime.
REBECCA: I don’t .. .wanna come with you.
CAPTAIN PLANET: You know that BP oil spill? That was actually a CP oil spill. I made it happen cause I wanted to watch fish suffocate.
REBECCA: You’re a monster.
CAPTAIN PLANET: One time at the beach I saw a fish trapped inside one of those plastic six-pack holders and I got SO hard.
REBECCA: You got HARD?
CAPTAIN PLANET: Yeah. And a Captain Planet dick gets harder than a human dick.
REBECCA: Why are you telling me all of this?
CAPTAIN PLANET: Cause even if you said anything no one would ever believe you. I’m Captain Planet!
REBECCA: You’ve said every word of this into my answer machine.
[Dial tone]

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