When I became President, I promised the American people that I would work hard on improving access to education. This is an issue I feel passionate about, one that will help keep America a dominant force well into the 21st century. Today, I announce an exciting new initiative: My administration will make two years of community college free to any American willing to dance for it.
Education has always been a hallowed American value, and absolutely everyone who’s willing to work hard, be responsible, and shimmy their hearts out while I dangle a tuition check over their heads and laugh and laugh should be able to do so.
Whether a student is planning to move on to a four-year college or enter the skilled work force, every nurse-in-training should have the right to take a deep, shaky breath, tuck a rose behind his or her ear, and perform the flamenco routine of a lifetime for my delectation.
I realize that we will face a tough battle to make this a reality. Republicans are already claiming that it is too expensive to offer free tuition to any prospective Information Technology student who performs 34 classic fouettés from Swan Lake, their trembling body locked rigidly in the final arabesque as they wonder whether I, watching from the shadows of my private box in the otherwise empty theatre, have been pleased. But it will actually save us money in the long run.
A more educated America is a more successful America, and growing the economy is something we can all agree on. That’s why I’m hoping for bipartisan support for a proposal to allow all criminal justice majors to dance in a ballroom competition until their feet bleed and their sequins fall off and I finally, finally award them that perfect 10.
I do want to be clear at this point. You need not be a highly skilled dancer to be eligible for this program. Your eligibility depends only on your willingness to please me.
So put on your frilliest can-can costume, head on down to the saloon, and dance for your life as I, Barack Obama, idly fire my six-shooter at your feet.
Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed the State of the Union.