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November 07, 2014

America's best movie reviews by someone who doesn't watch movies!

Interstellar! Alright alright alright. How cool does this movie look! Matthew McConaughey running around in a spacesuit, looking really chill as he saves Michael Cain and a bunch of people in Kansas. Oh yeah, and Jessica Chastain. She’s in it too, and is really good in another pic I actually did watch, A Most Violent Year, but I digress. Back to the movie I’m factually in the dark about – Interstellar. I cannot wait to not see Interstellar, because it is number one on my list of movies to review – and 100% not actually experience. Actually the later statement is not entirely true. There is a remote chance that a few years from now, as I lay on the couch gaining weight and losing integrity, staring into the cold face of the void… I may watch Interstellar on the small screen. Assuming it’s already playing on my t.v., and somebody else actively put it on for me. And I’m drunk. Incredibly drunk. But that said, I promise you that at the time of this review, I have not seen the movie. Which is why I’m so excited to judge and review it!

From what I can tell from the trailers, Interstellar is about Matthew looking for a “new earth,” as Matthew’s earth is “dying.” Why is the earth dying? Who cares. There’s a million reasons, all of which you’ve heard in a prior movie or television show. Nukes, pollution, global warming, genetic decline, solar flare. Blah blah blah. Move on. Though my guess is it will have something to do with Obama Care. Either Obama Care directly destroyed the world or it’s repeal doomed us. Depending what state you are from, I invite you to choose the option that makes you happier.

Okay, where were we? Earth falling apart. In the trailer, Michael Cain, appearing in his 12,000th movie, tells Matthew that “your daughter will be part of earth’s last generation.” This presumably motivates Matthew to build a spaceship from parts laying around his farm. Because in all of the trailers, Matthew is in one of three places. A Kansas farm, with lots of dust. A fancy looking spaceshuttle… that kinda looks like a set from Gravity. Or exploring another planet, entirely covered in ice. Wait, given he’s looking for a new earth, shouldn’t he locate a warmer planet? There has to be another better planet, right? Or Matthew owns a winter coat factory. Christopher Nolan must be hiding it in the trailer to surprise us, because from what I can tell, this movie is pretty linear. Once again with the disclaimer that this is all pure conjecture and speculation and BS. But absolutely correct. I think.

Matthew chilling in his dirty Kansas farm is told by Michael Cain in voiceover that the world’s crumbling. This is a mondo bummer, as Matthew loves his daughter and getting really high listening to Michael Cain’s disembodied advice. Initially Matthew’s cool with our planet’s demise, as he’s not in “active” protagonist mode yet. Something in the movie must motivate him. Transform him into the “hero.” How do I know that? Ah, professional writer. Hero’s journey, it’s like writer 101. Which is why I guarantee you that the following scene will be in Interstellar: Willie Nelson drives up in his pickup, and over bong bingo, tells Matthew he should build a spaceship from all the crap he has in the barn, and find us another world to live in. Matthew’s like, “alright alright alright, you are the man with the plan my brother,” and here we go.

CUT TO Matthew welding stuff, borrowing rocket fuel, dusting off his old spacesuit – right, I forgot to tell you – Matthew used to be in NASA before all the shuttles blew up thanks to Obama Care, which is why he and some kid moved to Kansas, or maybe not Kansas. Perhaps our dying world just looks like Kansas. The more I think about it, that’s probably what’s going on – Matthew living in doomsday Napa, which basically is Wichita with dried grapes. I’m sorry for these sidetrips, but having no real idea what happens in Interstellar, I have to keep an open mind regarding my wild speculation.

Anyway, Matthew now builds his ship. Only, his kid’s like “Daddy, don’t leave. Willie Nelson is really creepy.” But Matthew is really persuasive, because he won an Academy Award, so he’s like “alright alright alright little lady, Daddy won’t leave. Hey, why don’t you run in the shack and grab me a bud, and then we can dissemble the spaceship and build a hothouse?” And the little girl does – which is when Matthew launches into space. Because saving humanity is his first priority. And he ran out of beer weeks ago…

Okay, so Matthew is in space, and at some point, Jessica Chastain joins him. I think. Or is she his wife and stays with the kid? No, I think I saw her in a spacesuit in the trailer. But I may be confusing her with Julia Roberts from Gravity? Wait, was Julia Roberts in Gravity? She was right? Anyway… Matthew and maybe Jessica Chastain are in space looking for a planet. The moon despite Willie Nelson’s guarantee turns out not to be new earth, so Matthew’s like, we need to “expand our horizons” and find a wormhole. And then he – realizes Julia Roberts was not in Gravity. It was Sandra Bullock. I apologize. I didn’t see Gravity. Nor Interstellar, so let’s end everyone’s pain here.

The movie ends after roughly three hours when Matthew and possibly Jessica Chastain enter another galaxy and find a “new earth.” Initially new earth sucks, it’s all ice and tidal waves, and Michael Cain voiceover’s like “you’re running out of time. Obama Care just destroyed Japan… and you’re daughter’s still looking for your beer.” And Jessica Chastain’s like “let’s give up. This was a mistake. I’m in too many movies and you do television.” But Matthew’s our hero – he don’t quit. Remember the hero’s journey? Matthew does, and he’s about to complete it… because Matthew realizes that beneath the ice is… earth. Actual dirt. Matthew is an expert on dirt – which will have been set up in the prior two hours of movie where he is always covered in dirt. So Matthew, using his home-made ship’s engines, melts all of the ice on the planet, revealing a beautiful world. Basically Hawaii in May. And humanity is saved from extinction – Matthew giving Michael Cain voiceover the coordinates to “new earth,” which everyone will travel to using Matthew’s home-made spaceship blueprints. And that my friends is Interstellar. Had I actually seen this movie, I believe I would have loved it. Because Matthew kicks ass. Alright alright alright.

Stop the presses! I just saw a poster with Anne Hathaway! Apparently she’s in the movie. Which might mean I’m wrong about Jessica. Whatever. All I know is I’m not paying $15 to find out suckers.