First and foremost I want to extend my deepest apologies to the African American community. Over the course of my life I have conducted myself in a manner that is both unrepresentative of the Atlanta Hawks and unacceptable for any team owner. I have payed close attention to the Donald Sterling scandal and have accepted that I am just as guilty and deserving of a similar punishment. Below I have outlined a few instances of my aforementioned offenses.
- Fell asleep in the theatre during Amistad
- Made the same Rosa Parks joke at a few different galas
- Received a D in my junior year ethnic studies course
- Didn’t vote Obama
- Indirectly supported gentrification by eating at a new Panera Bread located in a historically black suburb
- Rapping along the N words in Drakes’s new album
- Adding N words to Drake’s old album
- Listed an African American colleague as “Black Zack” in my cell phone so as not to confuse him with regular white Zack
- Consistent inability to differentiate between Ice T and Ice Cube
- Referring to Kwanzaa as Black Hanukkah
- Went to a whites-only party (In my defense, I thought “whites-only” was referring to the dress code)
It is for those reasons that I regretfully step down and sell my controlling interest in the Atlanta Hawks for 2.5 billion. I can assure you every single penny I spend from my billions will be a painful reminder of my racist mistakes. It really is with great agony I walk away from this fine institution in exchange for a life altering amount of cash. But alas, it is the only appropriate penalty for the bigotry I have practiced. I plan on spending a great deal of time in solitude, reflecting on the ramifications of my ignorance. The small island off of Fiji I’ve just purchased will serve as a fine place to do so. The healing process won’t stop there. I am currently organizing a small tour through local high schools where I will speak on the importance of diversity. This project has me so excited that I’ve purchased an electric yellow 2015 McLaren 650S convertible to ensure that I arrive at each school as quickly as possible. I never have to worry about punctuality with it’s 650 horsepower and twin turbocharged engine that roars like a dragon in heat. It is through these efforts that I can only hope the National Basketball Association and good people of Atlanta can one day forgive me.
Bruce “Cha-Ching!” Levenson