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September 12, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Jehovah’s Witnesses released a PSA using sign language that tells the deaf community not to masturbate. Also good for anyone curious as to how you sign "Because you don't want to go blind too, do you?"

WWE wrestling commentator Jerry Lawler had a heart attack on air. Producers began to ask if there was a doctor in the house but then realized they were at a wrestling event.

Chris Brown was spotted with a neck tattoo of a woman with a disfigured face. Proving that Chris Brown's mistakes aren't relegated solely to limos, TV interviews, and recording studios.

A Swedish company will begin selling a box of wine that looks like a handbag. It's perfect for women on the go to rehab, seriously, you need help, go to rehab.

In an interview discussing last summer's debt ceiling crisis, journalist Bob Woodward said, “They couldn’t tell the world how bad it was at the time.” Especially because the Republicans were saying that if anyone spoke to the cops, they would dump the debt ceiling's body in a river.

The National Enquirer says O.J. Simpson put Khloe Kardashian in his will because she's his biological daughter. It would make sense too--neither of them have any convictions. OOOOHHH!

In related news, rather than airing a moment of silence for 9/11, the "Today" show interviewed Kardashian mom Kris Jenner about breast implants. In the show's defense, it was the best way to get people to mute their TVs.

Singer Sheryl Crow claims cell phone use caused her brain tumor. Cell phone companies said she's welcome to believe it if it makes her happy.

Cee Lo says he's working on a Christmas album. Apparently he's keeping the studio so quiet, you can't even hear a Danger Mouse.

Hosts of the daytime talk show "The Talk" went without makeup for the season premiere of their show. Confusing many who thought season 3 of "The Walking Dead" was playing a month early.

According to an Israeli official, the White House rejected Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's request to meet with President Obama. Raising the question, just how poor has Israel gotten?