Hi there. My name is Michael Hawkins and I’m the chief technology officer over at the White House. I’m excited to show you a new product Steve Bannon and I developed: it’s a VR game that we hope will get people excited about the Trump Administration. (Frankly, it’s about time you young people got on board!)Below you’ll find the original draft that Steve and I cowrote. We hope to have this game finished by the start of Mr. Trump’s second term. As far as games go, it’s sure to be a real crowd-pleaser. Enjoy!
Level 1: Main Street, USA, 2020
You begin the first level in the middle a busy thoroughfare. You’re in a small town near the Texas border. This is the REAL America, and business is booming. Everywhere you look you can see a newly opened storefront, unrestricted by red tape and bureaucracy. “May the Grace of Donald be with ye,” an old woman tells you after you help her cross the street.
You move forward to visit the local McDonalds, a favorite haunt of police officers, small business owners, and other salt-of-the-earth types. When you arrive, you see that it’s been renamed to just Donald’s, out of respect for number 45. You decide to order Trump’s favorite meal, the Presidential Special: four quadruple quarter pounders, extra mayo, hold the lettuce. You eat them. Once you’re done shitting your brains out, you hear the bad news from the gender monitor in the men’s bathroom.
He tells you that Barack Obama and his liberal followers have usurped the California election. They’ve imposed Shariah Law throughout the impoverished coastal state, and democracy is now illegal. He doesn’t say it, but you know it’s only a matter of time before they attack the rest of the republic.
When you speak to the bathroom monitor, you learn that his name is John Abraham Reagan, and he shares with you his life’s story. His wife was a simple county clerk known for her principled stance on not giving marriage licenses to gay people or Jews. She was fired by Obama himself, and the couple almost lost their home, but she was able to start a new life as a humble Fox News correspondent. “I beg you, put a stop to Obama. For my wife, and for the US personnel at Benghazi,” Realizing there is no end to the aggression of the left, you agree to put an end to Obama’s madness. “I just don’t understand why he hates America so much,” Reagan says as tears fill his eyes. “It’s our home.”
Although southern Texas is now the safest region of the country, thanks to the wall that Mexico paid for, you are soon confronted by a terrorist from ISIS. He rushes at you, swinging a sword and screaming about Allah. Luckily, a single shot from your legally purchased firearm is enough to dispatch the radical jihadi.
You chuckle to yourself, thinking about how easy it was to stop the terrorist– but your smile vanishes when you remember how the crooked Democrats tried so hard to keep guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens. It’s common sense, you think to yourself as you head to your next destination.
Level 2: Washington, D.C.
The next level takes place in the drained swamp of Washington. There’s not much to see here, since Donald and the rest of the Trump family are driving a big-rig truck across the country in honor of men’s right’s. You quickly pay your respects at the Kushner Memorial and move to Dupont Circle, which is still a Democratic section of the city, unfortunately. Along the way you walk past a pair of gay men. You don’t have a problem with them, you just don’t want them to get married, or serve in the military, or have children. You shoot them and move on.
Your next destination is a Starbucks. You order your drink, and the beautiful young barista hands you a cup with the secret message “Make America Great Again” written on the side. You wink at her, knowing that her heartless liberal bosses would never knowingly approve of such a message, and she whispers, “thank you, brave citizen.” Only then do you realize the beautiful barista is actually Ivanka Trump. Her courage in the face of liberal oppression inspires you to leave this drained swamp of a city. After a small mini-mission of calling ICE officers on an old woman who you suspect is here illegally, you move on to the next level.
Level 3: Detroit, Michigan
This is where the game really gets difficult. The citizens of Motor City are some of the only Americans who aren’t benefiting economically under Trump’s brilliant leadership, since they stubbornly refuse to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, which is both doable and physically possible.
Hiding among the rubble is a small, dark-skinned boy named Miguel. He looks hungry and asks for food. Something about the boy’s ethnic-sounding name suggests he may be trying to deceive you. But you decide to help him out– by explaining why you are morally and philosophically opposed to handouts. You use the copy of Atlas Shrugged you keep in your backpack to illustrate your argument.
By the end of your discussion, Miguel is beaming, and telling you excitedly how he dreams of one day becoming a small business owner. What’s more, he agrees to guide you to the local hospital– he says it contains a secret that’s well worth investigating.
You and Miguel reach the entrance to the hospital, only to find it blocked by an urban terrorist group. It’s Black Lives Matter, a rowdy group of radicals menacing innocent bystanders by swinging posterboard signs and chanting loudly against our heroes in blue. You almost feel sorry for them, in a way. You’d probably have the same vulgar, destructive worldview that they have if Beyonce was your role model.
But you can’t pity them for too long– you must get inside the hospital. At first you try to reason with them, telling them that the Civil War was a long time ago, and that the Irish were once slaves too. Miguel begins to cry after being screamed at by a white woman with nosering. So much for the tolerant left, you think to yourself. Luckily, you are able to distract the group by telling them that there’s a police officer’s barbecue a few blocks away. Amidst the chaos, you slip by them and enter the building.
You reach the top floor of the hospital and find a darkened room lit with a single candle, where an African-American woman wastes away in a hospital bed. Though the woman is in a coma, you notice she has a piece of paper crumpled up in her hand. You take it from her tightly-balled fist, and read it in horror.
You learn that the woman is none other than Barack Obama’s half-sister from Kenya, and that the piece of paper is Obama’s REAL birth certificate. The rumors were true– he wasn’t born in the United States! His election was never legitimate, and he tried to keep it a secret by murdering his own half-sister. Even after everything you’ve seen, you’re surprised at just how low this man will go. Miguel begins to cry.
But there isn’t enough time to thank the comatose woman– as soon as you pick up the birth certificate, the Black Lives Matter terrorists burst into the room. You dive out of the window and make your escape.
Level 4: People’s Republic of California
You’ve reached the final level: Los Angeles.
After fighting your way through hordes of drug junkies and welfare queens, you make it to the desolate capital, now renamed the Hollywood Red Square. You arrive to see Obama and the Clintons whipping their crazed communistic followers into a frenzy by saying horrendous things like, ‘Islam is a peaceful religion” and “there is no such thing as gender’.
You fight your way through the mob of college professors and NBA players, but the sheer size of the crowd keeps you from getting close to the stage. You realize that you are out of ammo. Then it gets worse.
Obama’s goons have kidnapped Miguel, and are threatening to have Hillary’s husband Bill perform unspeakable and depraved sex acts on the boy. It’s Comet Ping Pong all over again, you think to yourself as Miguel cries for help. You lower your weapon and place your hands behind your head, courageously confronting whatever horror Obama has in store for you. An army of thugs grabs you and drags you to the main stage, where Obama is leering at you with the same disdain he has for American values.
You’re out of options, so you play your last card– the birth certificate. You start to explain to the mob that he can’t possibly be their rightful leader, but before you can finish, Obama snatches the certificate out of your hands. You watch in horror as he rips it into tiny pieces, laughing in Arabic as Miguel whimpers next to you.
Just when you think all hope is lost, you hear a low rumble, and look above you. Tearing across the sky in a Blackhawk helicopter is our nation’s greatest President, Donald J. Trump. You can hear DJT shout down from the helicopter piloted by his son Barron. “Hillary, Barack, you’re fired.” He tosses you a grenade launcher, which you catch effortlessly. Steve Bannon strategically advises that you aim for the podium where Obama is standing, and you fire away. BOOM! With one shot you collapse the stage, destroying Obama and his entire feminist caliphate in one massive explosion.
Unfortunately, Hillary was able to survive by using Miguel as a human shield. His crushed, lifeless body is an unfortunate reminder of Hillary’s greed. But you know in your heart that Miguel understood: freedom isn’t free.
As the game ends, you perform a citizen’s arrest on Hillary, and fly off into the sunset in Trump’s helicopter. America is forever safe from the clutches of Obama and his liberal minions, and it’s all thanks to two conservative heroes– Donald Trump, and you.