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March 07, 2017
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Make Universe Great Again

THE EARTH –

Summoned via Twitter from across the galaxy, a spacecraft dubbed “Jezabel” by its owner, President Donald Trump, was undergoing final preparations Wednesday to take its occupant into the farthest reaches of the known universe.

“In my first 47 days as president, I have improved the United States beyond measure, as well as the entire world, and I am now going to fly to the end of the solar system, where I will begin making the rest of the universe great again.”

Wearing a red hat bearing the inscription “Make Universe Great Again,” President Trump displayed photographs of the spaceship hovering in orbit 2,000 miles directly above the White House.

“We are going totally experimental. Big league new technologies like you wouldn’t believe, folks. The stereo is amazing. It’s like you’re sitting in Carnegie Hall. And the food is like from out of this world. Literally.”

The state of the art spacecraft includes 470 hotel rooms, a sauna, spa and health club, concierge, rifle range, dry cleaning, laser tag, and 24 hour deep space access to CNN.

“UNDENIABLY – THE – BEST – in the galaxy. I’m sorry to say, folks, compared to the ‘Jezebel’ the Millennium Falcon is just a joke. Really. It’s an embarrassment. I’m embarrassed for the Millennium Falcon.”

Although his tweets will take longer to reach earth, the deeper he travels into space, President Trump says he will be able to stay involved with shaping the discussion. “The good news is, there is no day and night in space, so I will just be awake and tweeting all the time” said the President. “I can weigh in on the morning shows, catch a little nap, then be ready to respond to The View, or other day time TV. And also the evening shows like Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity. From earth, it will seem like I am tweeting 24 – 7 – 365 days a year.”

Twitter From Deep Space

In fact, since the President’s journey to the far reaches of the galaxy will take several thousand years, provisions have been made to connect Twitter directly to his brain when the President’s body becomes too old to function.

Said Farouk Davis, a 12 year-old at St Melvin’s Prep in the Bronx: “it’s weird to think that Donald Trump will be tweeting nonstop thru my entire lifetime, and even when I’m an old man – and continue on after I’m dead. And then, after that, he will continue tweeting for thousands of years as he makes his way to Alpha Centauri.” Mr. Davis paused, considering the idea.

“I hope the Alpha Centaurians are nice to the President,” he said. “Otherwise, we are all sure gonna hear about it back here.”

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