Man, I am a real piece of work, huh?
It’s always something new, first with the stuff I say: My oldest son Lonzo is better than Stephen Curry, I could beat Michael Jordan in a game of one-on-one, my three sons deserve a billion dollar shoe deal, etc.
Pretty outlandish, right? I’m always coming up with some new batshit insane thing to say that helps hawk my brand and keeps me in the news cycle. But at what cost? Well, I suppose my sons’ well-being and general human decency, for two. You could say I have a degree from the Trump University School of Marketing. Heh.
Anyway, it has become clear at this point that I am just a really bad person, and I am so sorry.
But here’s the thing. You guys eat this stuff up! All of you. Whether I’m on First Take on ESPN, Undisputed on Fox Sports One, or any other show, you tune in in droves. You say you won’t watch me but you always do. Both networks continuously invite me on air in direct proportion to the amount of stupid fucking stuff I say, and it’s all your fault.
This whole schtick is draining, and honestly just sad– both the lengths I’m willing to go to and the fact our society will give air time – hot air time – to anyone with preposterous things to say.
You may hate me, but rest assured that I do too.
However, the depth of my impact isn’t limited to what I merely say. Look at the stuff I do!
I got the Chino Hills high school basketball coach fired because he didn’t want to do things my way for my sons’ team. This was a good man who I constantly harassed, emasculated, and eventually ruined.
By all accounts, this is becoming a pattern of just all-around bad behavior on my end.
But wait, there’s more. When Nike, Adidas, and Under Armour attempted to make a multi-million dollar shoe deal with Lonzo, I turned them away because they refused to license my Big Baller Brand – yes, my company that not only produces apparel that looks like poorly made Chinese knockoffs, but also grossly overcharges for all of it as well.
So now I present… drumroll please… the ZO2 shoes, which can be yours for the low price of four hundred ninety-five fucking dollars! If you want them signed by Lonzo, we’ll double the price, and then to complete the package, you can get a pair of ZO2 slides for $220. Yes, FLIP-FLOPS, for considerably more than you’d pay for any reputable basketball sneakers.
And you know I’m not going to release this stuff without some sort of arrogant, out-of-touch statement that shames kids into overpaying for a questionable, unproven product in order to enrich me. Behold:
I mean, Jesus Christ. What is wrong with me? Of course I’ve been taking heat for this, but you know what else I’ve taken? Bookings. On like every sports talk show.
My soul is fully sold to the devil at this point. I’ve accepted that. I am an insufferable blowhard and I really suck. But on the other side of that coin, I am going to be on your televisions, computers, phones, whatevers, for a long, long time, with no end in sight.
Even if Lonzo cracks under the torrent of scrutiny and animosity I’ve created for him and flames out in a couple years, and my middle son LiAngelo never makes it to the pros, keep in mind my youngest boy LaMelo is only 15! With a UCLA commitment already booked for him, that essentially means, worst case scenario, I’m going to be relevant for at least four or five more years.
And if one or more of my sons succeeds, oh boy, you’re looking at the better part of two decades.
So strap in, sports fans. If you think you’ve seen it all, you’re wrong. There is so much more to come. You may hate me, but rest assured that I do too.