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March 17, 2015

A breakdown of how my two most recent employers treat March 17th


I spent St. Patrick’s Day surrounded by drunks without leaving my office. Hi mom! I’m a comedy writer!

Hello, my name is Jesse Neil and this is my second week at Funny Or Die. Before this I was a Sales Comparables Analyst at a Commercial Real Estate Trending and Forecasting Firm. Below is a breakdown of how I spent St. Patrick’s Day at my two most recent places of employment.

Sales Analyst Position – Arrive promptly at 9 a.m. and commence online research for market activity in Southeastern U.S. markets.

FOD – Walk in at 10:20ish to find a mountain of beer and Jameson is being slowly consumed and has been since 9ish.

Sales Analyst Position – Check daily leads from numerous respected real estate publications.

FOD – Receive an e-mail asking me to publish a piece about a Playboy article that includes the words fuck, shit, bitch, and Azealia Banks. “Don’t forget to include pictures,” it reminds me. “Here’s one I did about a Taiwanese porn star for reference,” the e-mail says in a relaxed, non-real estate tone.

Sales Analyst Position – Download and generate daily cap rates for publication.

FOD – Somebody calls me a pussy for not doing a shot.

Sales Analyst Position –Enter 10–12 sales records for markets such as Houston, Tampa, and Chicago.

FOD – Somebody else calls me a pussy for a very similar reason.

Sales Analyst Position – I wonder if anybody is doing anything for St. Patrick’s Day. They are not.

FOD – I do a Whippet.

Sales Analyst Position –Research REIT’s and major property owners’ quarterly reports to find leads on recent sales.

FOD – My boss puts a 2 Chainz video on the office monitor. Somebody yells, “I think I just saw her clitoris.” It is my boss.

Sales Analyst Position – Somebody in the next row of cubicles talks about how they can’t wait to get home and watch a mediocre CBS crime drama. A part of me dies.

FOD – Clitoris guy brings me another whippet. A much more literal part of me dies.

Sales Analyst Position – We have a meeting to talk about increasing productivity so we can meet demand goals for a large client we are trying to secure.

FOD – Somebody makes another employee’s mouse cursor larger than it was before. Seven drunk people agree that this is the best thing that’s happened all day.

Sales Analyst Position – I train a new employee on how to create source documents for all records of sale over $2 million.

FOD – “The whippet balloon popped!” four people yell with genuine horror and sadness in their respective voices and eyes.

Sales Analyst Position – I leave for the day having helped large investors make decisions regarding their realestate investments.

FOD – Somebody asks, “Was she 18 yet?” as a Britney Spears music video plays on the TV.