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September 19, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Doctors in Sweden completed the world’s first mother-to-daughter uterus transplant. "Now we're talking," said the world's creepiest Swede. 

A French court has banned the publication of topless pictures of Kate Middleton. "Way too husky," said the court.

Tensions between China and Japan continue to rise after Japan purchased a set of islands. Worse, China wouldn't be so mad if Japan had asked first, causing China to wonder if Japan wants to be in this relationship at all.

A secret recording features Mitt Romney telling an audience that 47 percent of Americans "believe that they are victims," and "My job is not to worry about those people." An opinion that may change now that he realizes someone in that 47 percent owns an iPhone. 

Romney went on to say, "Palestinians have no interest whatsoever in establishing peace."  Adding, "By the way, do you remember how I just said half of America act like lazy victims?"

Romney clarified his comments on the recording by saying, "I’m sure I could state it more clearly in a more effective way than I did in a setting like that.” To be clear, that setting was Big Mike's Honesty Shack in Oklahoma City.

The plastic chemical BPA has been linked to childhood obesity in a new study. Causing many parents to wonder, "Then what kind of plastic can I feed my child?"

JetBlue says it will begin providing free in-flight Wi-Fi early next year. Likewise, the TSA will still be offering free pre-flight Wi-Fe gropings.

More than 130 prisoners escaped from a jail in Mexico close to the U.S. border through a tunnel. The prisoners are being described as dangerous and potentially adorable.

North Korea has signed an agreement with Russia forgiving an estimated $11 billion in debt. "Now," said Vladimir Putin to Kim Jong-un, "do the Truffle Shuffle."

A historian claims to have discovered a piece of papyrus containing the phrase, “Jesus said to them, ‘My wife…’” Suggesting either Jesus was married or he wasn't good at properly telling the "Take My Wife...Please" joke.

Germany is urging people to not use Internet Explorer due to a major security flaw. To be fair, any browser used primarily by grandparents has major security flaws.

A British conservationist is being accused of endangering his child after posting a film of her with a gorilla in 1992. Most alarming, why wasn't she in a theater watching "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York"?