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If you want to save money on buying shampoo…shave your head.

Don’t eat a spoonful of mashed potatoes then take a shot or gravy, instead, pour the gravy on the mashed potatoes and enjoy, it’s much healthier this way.

Don’t eat Doritos while chewing bubble gum…just because it sounds like a good combination doesn't mean it is one. That goes for ketchup in milk as well.

Don’t rock out with your cock out and expect to drop trou and plow, but if she's gonna dine out with her gine out then whip out your pound and go to town.

If you ask a tall person to get something for you off a shelf, don’t be surprised when they ask you to pick something off the floor for them.

Don’t blow ass in front of a beautiful woman and say, “It was you, actually who am I kidding, it was me, actually no, it was definitely you, ew gross, how dare you, that’s disgusting you filthy whore."

Don't throw a rock at your TV screen when your favorite sports team loses a big game. Smashing the TV with a baseball bat is much safer then dangerously throwing a rock

If a female friend of yours comes to you about an embarrassing problem she’s having and says “What should I do about my yeast infection?” Don’t say, “Jesus! I don’t know! Bake some bread or something, God damn, get away from me!”

Don’t get eaten by a dog, wild or tamed, for it’ll easily be one of the worst experiences of your life.

If you plan on drinking 12 milkshakes one day, make sure you don’t eat or drink anything for 12 days prior to eventually make up for it.

If you meet someone who looks like Mr. Potato head, don’t attempt to rearrange his limbs…it’s his face you should rearrange.

Don’t say, “My favorite show of all time is Seinfeld…actually it's Martin.” Saying something like that simply doesn’t bode well by any means.

It’s probably not a good call to break into your boss’s house one night while he’s sleeping and demand a raise or else you're gonna rape his daughter…and or his son for that matter.

Michael Sisto

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