Donald Trump Becomes Logically Unsustainable, Ceases to Exist
This Thursday, shortly following the GOP debate, staff members close to Trump confirmed that America’s spray-tanned redeemer, following a dizzying series of vacillations, flip-flops, and never-said-thats, had contradicted himself on so many levels that he had become logically incompatible, and immediately ceased to exist. Onlookers at Trump mobile headquarters marveled as an increasingly unstable Trump faded into ethereal matter as his positions shifted at faster and faster rates, before ultimately becoming irreconcilable and vanishing entirely from sight.
This is just the newest and latest belly flop in the soiled public pool of American political campaigning. Politicians are lamentably notorious for flip-flopping positions, and flexing their amorphous octopus cartilage bodies to fit the momentary public opinion. This tradition of course dates back to the illustrious founding fathers, history’s chosen few who championed the terms of equality and representation for all, and kept people locked up in their basements. Even a casual modern political spectator will remember when Obama went from HOPE to NOPE, or when George W. gave America a spot-on impression of a speech impediment afflicted Pinocchio. But perhaps no episodes of political poppycock have been as egregious as the most recent from Mr. Trump, America’s human click-bait and his ceaseless switcheroos.
Throughout the campaign, Trump has switched his positions on health care, taxation, and ISIS faster than you can gold plate a private jet. Once in favor of torture, Mr. Trump has now flipped and proclaimed that he couldn’t find it in his heart to bring unnecessary harm to minorities. And when it comes to the KKK, Mr. Trump has really put Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle to the test, in his attempt to both tacitly enable white supremacy and still not have to risk offending people, a phenomenon commonly known as Louisiana.
Many pundits have been predicting Trump’s logical implosion for months. Some commentators have called his popularity inflated and temporary. Others have pointed out that again and again,his new statement A, is logically incompatible with prior principle B, and thus cannot logically be true at the same time that B is maintained. Still, voters have continuously supported throughout the cycle what cannot be a logically single person with a single set of values.
Panicked reporters and Chris Christie flocked to the scene of Mr. Trump’s cessation. Much like the afterglow of an exploded star, Mr. Trump’s logical supernova left only a seething, ultra-dense core of pure, untouchable ego- the neon letters of “TRUMP” where once the physical man had stood. (And a pair of little tiny baby hands.)
At press time Mr. Trump had moved up 7 points in the polls.