So let me tell you about myself, when I was 4 years old my mom left my dad for a woman......so early in life I learned how evil women can be. And if I didn't learn it from that life experience then there was my penacostal father and the church to teach me the gays were the products of the dev-EEL!
So, Monday through Friday I would be with my bible-thumping father and on the weekends I would be with my very German lesbian mother.....and the woman she left him for...the black woman she left him for...Oh, did I not mention that? Yes, my mother is German.
She came to the states in 1967....she arrived during the riots in Detroit, "Hi! Welcome to Detroit! The black people here REALLY don't take any SHIT!
Fast forward to the 80s or as she could call it, "the OUTies" and theres my mother whom resembles by now a mix of Elton John with David Bowies' "Dancin' in the Streets" hair. She even has the clever little gap between her front teeth to make the simulation of Mr. John more authentic. The coincidence that she resembles someone else that is gay is just pure luck.
If you'd like a straight reference, I always thought she looked like the priest from "The Fifth Element" too.
On top of that, her accent made her sound slightly like Arnold Schwarzenegger---oh who am I kidding? She sounded a lot like him! And don't forget about her lady partner or should I call her the "silent" partner because she would barely speak and when she would, it was only when my sister or I had been touching her things and when I say "her things" I mean her "pornos"....and when I say "my sister or I".....I mean.."I".
Should would set traps for me....and I did not care! Are you kidding me? I was eleven and twelve years old people!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!?? You could've had the pirates from The Goonies movie set boobie traps....I was gonna get through it.
There was NOTHING that was gonna stop me from jerkin' off to the lesbian classic "Hot Pink!" And I knew every time that I only had about 15 minutes to get in and get out without them returning in time to catch me in the act so to speak...on their bed....jerking off......jesus, kids are gross.
So when they got home and I ended up getting caught by her very strategically placed thread that had been laid atop the Beta Max pornographic tape...and then she would speak. Oh and "mama Schwarzenegger" chimes in, "How COULD YOU DO this?!?! MY SON is SICK! My son is sick!! Why can't I have a normal son?!" Yes, yes. Clearly I'M the one with issues.
Did I mention she was from Europe?
Yes, well one thing I learned from my mother was how "open" and "comfortable" Europeans were with walking around .....COMPLETELY NUDE!!!
NAKED! NUDE! NUDENAKED! BARE GENITALS, LADIES AND GENITALMEN!
Bare assed middle aged lesbians, folks.....Did I tell you I was getting to that age of "awkward-stare" years old!!!?? Well "naked" was beginning to mean something different...and NAKED MOMMY REALLY doesn't help a boy that age!
Once and ONLY one time when I was twelve, it only took about 10 seconds of that confused-glazed stare only a boy that age would make if he witnessed his nude mother sitting indian-style while rolling a joint in her lap on her homemade futon that she got the point that she should PUT SOME G-D PANTS ON!!!!! One second I'm admiring her rolling style and making mental notes and the next second she lefts her arms to lick the joint closed and incidentally exposes her Guy Metdrapedes and scars me for life.....again, I was twelve...and it was my first vag sighting. They say you always remember your first.....
Oh! I didn't mention that to you? From ages five to eleven I would watch my nude German mother roll joints whilst sitting cross-legged. Do I have to tell you the position of the weed tray, the joint and my mothers' vagina lined up like some sort of sick old fashioned view finder...While I'm trying to figure out how to remove the seeds, roll the paper and then lick the joint--- "OH GOD! Put the joint back down!! PLEASE!!! I'm DONE learning from watching YOU!!! I AM DONE!"
So I just learned the normal way...from watching movies and tv!
until next time, this was a glimpse into the past that helped form....pajamaMOUTH!