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August 14, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Online craft retailer Etsy said it is banning the sale of human body parts, not counting hair and teeth. For anything else you'll have to go to China.

Paul Ryan says he'll only be releasing as many years of his taxes as running mate Mitt Romney. Romney said he appreciates Ryan's loyalty, adding how cute it is to see someone worth $8 million act like they're rich.

In related news, Paul Ryan was heckled at his first solo event since being named Romney's choice for VP. Ryan said it's something he's going to have to get used to since school starts up again in a couple weeks.

Divers discovered jars of 2,000-year-old food off the coast of Italy. Researchers are hesitant to say if the food is still good until they know whether or not it's Twinkies.

Saudi Arabia is planning a women-only industrial city. Officials have yet to announce when Eww Girls Are Ickytropolis will be completed.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reiterated that Iran "must not be permitted to obtain nuclear weapons." An odd way of saying sorry to hear 300 of your people died in an earthquake.

CNN is looking to develop reality TV programs. A move sure to please all five viewers.

A Vatican judge has ordered a trial for the pope's butler, who has been charged with stealing documents. Starting a lengthy process since now the Vatican judge will also have to be judged.

Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. has been diagnosed as bipolar, according to the Chicago Sun-Times. A fancy way of saying he's decided to become a black Republican.

For the first time, half of the upcoming presidential debates will be moderated by women. Meaning half will still feature the question, "Isn't it great having a penis?"

A stranded jet-skier was able to walk through two runways and into a JFK airport terminal before being arrested. Unfortunately their new $100 million security network only goes on alert around beards.

Thousands of dead fish washed ashore in Galveston, Texas this week. Texans are already bragging about the size of it.