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October 27, 2015
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Something's lurking in the trees, it is Russian squirrels that I see.

On Sunday The New York Timesreported that Russian submarines were operating near undersea cables that are responsible for most of the globe’s internet access. This has compounded an already prevalent fear of Russia’s new found military aggression, and this is especially alarming to me when you consider that I have personally been experiencing interruptions in both my cable, and internet service.

For the past six months a group of squirrels have made their home in the trees that surround my backyard. They have made their nests in such a way that they put pressure on the cables that are responsible for my phone, internet, and television service. Now, what I’ve formally been told by my neighbors, exterminator and cable company is that the squirrels are probably just hunkering down and fattening themselves up for winter. What they fail to see however is a clearly Russian backed group of squirrel terrorists who are currently fighting a proxy war against the United States in my backyard.

Now trust me, I’m not crazy and didn’t just make this jump for no good reason. There are plenty of good reasons. For one I have personally witnessed the squirrels in my backyard sharing nuts. Now if you know anything about squirrels it’s that they abide to a strict, healthy, Darwinian capitalist system in which the strongest squirrel survives. But these squirrels are different. They are sharing with one another, which can only mean one thing. They are a bunch of dirty, commie squirrels who are working for the Russians.

Now you might ask, ‘why are the Russians using squirrels to terrorize Americans?’ and the answer is simple. Sure, cutting the underwater data cables would be a great way to take down all of the western world, but that would be too obvious, and ham handed. Using these squirrels the Russians are able to destroy our internet, and therefore our lives without anyone becoming the wiser.

Well they didn’t account for me. I’m on to them, and if you still don’t believe me consider this. When the squirrels first arrived I called an exterminator to take care of the problem. He took a look, and gave me an estimate for $500, which is a ridiculous amount of money just to kill some squirrels. Granted after losing my restaurant due to an unrelated Chinese plot of using rats to take down mom and pop hot dog restaurants in small town America I’ve been low on funds, but get this. The exterminator’s name? Dimitri. Coincidence? I think not.

My backyard is just the beginning, a proving ground, and in a few months time everyone will have Russian squirrels in their backyards, nibbling on their cables. I am begging anyone who is listening to please come to my home, and kill these Russian squirrels. I’ve tried to do it myself, but it just ends in scratches, and acorn welts. Also I need uninterrupted internet because I’m sick of having to go to Starbucks to check fantasy football scores, and also to look for a job. I will pay you in the best hot dogs you’ll ever eat.

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