John Donahue, Vice President of Paltry Programming for ABC announced earlier today that due to meager television ratings for the first games of the Women’s World Cup, the network will force all players to take various forms of performance-enhancing drugs for the remainder of the tournament.
Donahue said the match between France and Nigeria on June 26 finished last in the ratings for all demographics, and total ratings. It was outperformed by notoriously low-rated programs like the “E! True Hollywood Story of Dave Coulier,” Nickolodeon’s controversial children show “The Charles Manson Story Hour,” and the edited version of Michelle Bachmann and Anthony Weiner’s sex tape, “Tea String Party” airing on the C-Span Erotica network.
FIFA Head of Women’s Competitions Tatjana Haenni was relieved to hear the announcement from Donahue. “Honestly, I think we’ve all been thinking this for a long time. It’s just nobody wanted to be ‘that guy,’ and tell the players they really aren’t naturally entertaining enough. I was in an especially tough spot because, as a woman, you want so badly for your athletics to be as compelling as men’s. Sadly, we aren’t there yet. I think with a couple years of Mr. Donahue’s new program and aggressive selective breeding, we can get there.”
Even players were excited about the new policy. Christie Rampone, captain of the American national team said, “We’ve been taking performance-enhancing drugs for decades, but for so long we’ve had to hide the use. I’m really looking forward to getting on the Mark McGwire regimen. Plus, I’m so relieved I won’t have to shave my beard anymore. Give me a couple days and my face will look like a young Dumbledore’s.”
ABC released a statement with plans to make the tournament more entertaining. “Until the steroids really start to set in, we won’t broadcast the games. Instead we’ll shoot it as a reality show, similar to ‘The Real Housewives of New York.’ We really want to focus on the behind-the-scene drama at the World Cup, and think our viewers will be very interested to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start becoming a new spawn of genetically altered being. Once the girls reach our required amount of facial hair, we will broadcast the games, but with a twist. The television screen will be divided in half, with the game going on one side, and puppies and kittens dressed like people, doing cute things on the other. Depending on the results, we may also have the players dress up like kittens and puppies to make things a little more interesting.”
It is no surprise that animals will be included in the broadcast. Donahue rose to prominence for his use of cute animals to spice up programming. He is best known for discovering the entertainment value of water-skiing squirrels. Although no squirrels are scheduled to perform for the broadcasts, Donahue did say he’d be open to the idea if people got sick of the puppies and kittens.