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Published September 01, 2011

Not many of you know this, but I do impressions.  I have been doing impressions for about 3 months now.  And to be honest with you, I am quite good at it.  If it weren’t for my fear of linoleum floors I would be doing it for a living.  But for now I have to keep it on paper.  Are you ready?  OK, here goes.  Hold on to your hats.  Or if you are only wearing one hat, hold on to it.  Just hold on to something, as long as it isn’t me

My first impression is that of the Dad in Poltergeist.  You know who I am talking about.  Craig something or other.  Do you remember the part in the movie where he was screaming at his boss because he only moved the headstones in the cemetery, and left the bodies?  

 

“YOU ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES!! YOU NEVER MOVED THE BODIES!!! YOU ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES!!!”

 

So what do you think?  I’m pretty good, aren’t I?  What’s that?  You want to hear more?  All right, I will indulge you.

 

I will now do an impression of Darth Vader, in the film Star Wars, where he reveals the awful truth to Luke Skywalker.

 

“Luke, I am your father.”

 

Was that amazing, or what?  Can you believe how good I am at this?  I can’t either.  Why my life consists of watching Netflix at night and sleeping until 4 pm every day is beyond me. 

 

I will now do an impression of Ernest Borgnine in the 1955 Academy Award winner Marty.

 

“I’m ugly, Ma.  Ugly!”

 

Couldn’t you just see Ernest’s disproportionate facial features when I did that?  I know, it’s scary.  You want more?  Say please.  OK, since you said please, I will now do an impression of Harpo Marx in the film Horse Feathers.

 

What’s that?  You couldn’t hear me?  Of course not!  Harpo never said anything in any of those movies.  How about an impression of Tony Soprano in the episode where Ralphie gets wacked?

 

“What’s the matter with you, you freakin’ bum?  I tole you last week to take care of that thing for me.”

 

Well that’s about it for now.  Doing impressions takes a lot out of me.  Now I will do an impression of a man who likes to eat cereal in the middle of the night.

 

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