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February 02, 2012

One weekend in the countryside I spent house sitting that turned into a nightmare.


'Summertime girls...you make my whole world go around!'  - Y&T
It was Friday morning when the old man picked me up to housesit for him and keep tabs on his cats for 3 days. It started off sunny but just as the campers hit the open road it turned cloudy and windy. Then Mother Nature, who can be an icy bitch that takes her relationship woes with God out on everyone else, made it piss rain.
Meh! I wanted to be outside but I wasn't gonna let it ruin my weekend. Sure it was tough to make up for my lack of Vitamin D but I found things to do. In the past it was easier! The chick I was nailing would hang out with me since it's such a quiet and secluded place (Mmm...Krista! God I miss that rocking bod and hot ass) Sadly this time I had the place and the hot tub to myself. Yeah not as fun. So I did what most dudes do when their not getting any tail, I spent the afternoon watching porn. Hey don't judge! And besides, I took a break in between to watch "Spaceballs".
That night I relived my childhood watching "Thundercats" (Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! HOOOO!) and "Transformers". After they were over I cranked up Hair Nation and rocked out with my cock out till 3AM. Cool songs by Alice Cooper are perfect for practicing my air guitar skills. I mean I'm already a kick ass air drummer so I might as well learn a new instrument, right?
Saturday rolled around and it was sooooo sexy! Hot and sunny. On this day Mother Nature wasn't a scorned chick. Oh no she was a woman with strut who had the goods and wasn't afraid to show them off. It was as if she spread her legs and whispered, 'Take me!'
I spent the day doing what I do best...NOTHING! Yep! Who needs to break a sweat and have a bad back pulling weeds when you can sit around on your ass and suck back the booze?! Okay so I worked...worked on my Jedi lightsaber skills with the bug zapper. Fucking wasp! Take that! Cleo and I also worked on our tans. Well, she did, then she strolled off to eat some grass so she could puke it back up. I swear she's really a little cow. But instead of the usual binge and purge she came back up to the deck and stood at the patio door meowing to go back in.
I had the umbrella up for the patio table. It had seen better years. Use to be you just had to wind it to open it. Now you had to put a special clip in place to KEEP it open. The table itself, a 4 legged metal structure, with a pane of glass for a top was dusty with beer bottle sweat markings, because someone, didn't think to use a coaster. And the metal stand under the table that locks the umbrella down, so it won't blow away, was rusting out.
No wind for most of the day so yeah it literally came out of nowhere. I was too lazy to get up and didn't catch the umbrella in time as the wind lifted it up and sideways. The stand lifted up too and smashed through the glass top! A pane of glass turned into a pain in the ass as a thousand shards lay scattered across the deck. I jumped up and stood there with my mouth open as I watched the glass shimmer in the late day sun.
'Hooooooly fucking shit!!!' I said. I looked around for Cleo but didn't see her. She became my worry. A broken table's one thing. A dead cat? Worse comes to worse I could just tell pops that Cleo ran away. She got sick of it here and bailed, sunrise, sunset. Well, I couldn't find her so I assumed that as the table broke she darted. Likely thinking to herself, 'Fuck you! This is your mess, dumbass.'
Looking at the glass I kept thinking, 'How the fuck am I gonna explain this?' I had a moment of delusion from too much sun and thought, 'Maybe they won't notice!' Yeah right! One night Judy's on the patio, sets her drink down and oh there's no glass in the fucking table to put it on! Oops! Add to this: Tomorrow they'd be back and I had only 2 hours of good daylight left to clean it up.
I got done around 6:30 just before the old man would call to check up on me...you know...to make sure the house was still standing. Cleo also came back around at that time to eat. Happy to say she didn't have any cuts. Phew!
I told him about the patio table and he seemed more concerned with my health instead of the table. Really?! Did I just slip into the Twilight Zone?! I mean this is the same man who in 1988 when I was 9 and went joyriding with a shopping cart at No Frills, that ended with me slamming it into his newly painted Oldsmobile, cursed having kids and told me to run away and join the circus.
Sunday was still sunny and hot but it was a quiet day. I headed back into town later in the afternoon once the old man came home. He really didn't say much about the table. Like he was happy or something that it got 'taken out'. Oh I apologized but I blamed Mother Nature. I had no regrets about tossing that slut under the bus after her little pissy fit on Friday.
A few months later I returned to the scene of the crime. I stood at the door and looked out to see they had replaced the patio table with 2 smaller round ones...with...of course...glass tops. The old man came over and stood beside me. Silence. There wasn't a sound in the whole house as we stood there in the dining room staring outside. 
Then he says to me, 'What ya looking at? Seeing what you can break this time, dickhead?'
Horns up!