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May 01, 2011

eHarmony must don'ts for your video. Or photos. Remember, eHarmony now charges by the pound.


eHarmony must don'ts:

Do you weigh more than me?

Are you wearing a neck brace from scrambling on the kitchen floor fighting the cats for a Skittle?  And lost?

Is your screen name "Meatball?"

In an eHarmony photo the eyes speak.  They say who you are.  And so does the Army surplus parachute you call a dress from Drapery Barn.  Just remember, eHarmony now charges by the pound.

Having said that, never make eye contact with me, especially if you have lazy eye, I'm probably going to steer clear of you, no matter what your good eye is saying, (what the hell is the screwy one looking at anyway?)  If you look like you're going to kill me, following a bug flying around the room, are sobbing, holding your husband's ashes, eating spaghetti, standing on the window ledge with a fireman, have your dentures in a glass next to you, have an eye patch for whatever reason, have glasses so thick your eyes look like dinner plates, no camouflage nighties, loading a firearm, cutting your wedding photos in half.  No handstands. No Exorcist head-spinning; Don't stare down at the floor like you just found a TicTac.  No yoga positions.  Please don't say you're 34 when you look like they just dug you out of a pyramid five minutes ago.

No animal or multiple animals on your lap to conceal your bulk. Must have all your teeth, at least in front.  No neck braces or full-body casts. Cannot be on oxygen. No scooters.  No iron lung in the shot.  Don't surround yourself with empty pizza boxes or liquor bottles.  Don't make balloon animals.  No McDonalds or Walmart uniforms.  No parrots hanging upside down in their cages.  No grocery carts from Ralph's filled with rags, newspapers or aluminum cans. Must not weigh more than me.  Don't use the words "voluptuous"  or "a lotta woman."  Don't have your med bottles in the picture.  All your cats cannot be named Fluffy or Puffy.  Have a blouse on, not just a bra that looks like it's going to shoot across the room.  No pictures from five or more years ago.  Don't have a pet boa constrictor around your neck.  Don't have cats fighting, or eating a bird or mouse behind you. Some other red flags: in your on-screen name don't use the word sexy, hot 'n heavy, red hot, tons o' heat, eager beaver, or 2hot4u unless I get an opening in my circus.

However, if your name is Tons 'O  Money and don't care if I'm self-unemployed, those negate all other requirements listed above.  Must provide me with an ATS Cadillac.

Romance here I come!  Notarized copy of your 401k or bank account required.  Your picture not necessary!  Where your money came from is unimportant.  Just fucking have it.  Thanks!  Age not important!  Deathbed cases preferred!  Just don't be gross.  I'll take care of you for a few days. Have your will and clergy present for our flash wedding.  No family present, please!  I want to be alone with your mone...you. Have a nice few hours with me!? Just remember...whatever your name is...Susan or Frank (sexual orientation unimportant; I can pretend to love you for the withered husk of a man you are for a few days; just don't ask me to touch you.  Our eternal love  will last until the second you finally die...just don't linger, for God's sake!  Til' death do us part.  Whatever.  But, make it quick.  Thanks!  ©2011