So you just got new sneakers. Now you’re ready to show them off.
This is not an everyday occurrence. So when it happens, it is special. It is a big deal. These are your new sneakers. You’re proud of them. You want people to notice them. And you especially want your medical doctor to compliment them. Your doctor sees hundreds of sneakers a day. A compliment from them is an achievement worth spending some time on.
I’ve been in this situation many times. And I will guide you through the best ways to get your doctor to compliment your new sneakers.
All of your efforts will be worth it when you receive that sweet, sweet compliment.
When I first get a new pair of sneakers, I’ll set up a doctor’s appointment for the very next day. I’ll tell the doctor I have an ankle injury to force his/her attention on the area of my shoes. Sometimes this will do the trick and your job will be done. Other times more drastic tactics will be in order. All of your efforts will be worth it when you receive that sweet, sweet compliment.
So you’ll make another appointment with the same doctor.
On this second visit, you’re really going to work them. Suss out how good they are. Make small talk. It helps to bring up basketball. When people think of basketball, they think of sneakers. Basketball. Sneakers. Sneakers. Basketball. See? If you need to, you can write that down. Or, get it tattooed on your chest like that guy from Memento.
If at the end of this second visit you still don’t have your compliment, your doctor is a real pro. They’ve danced this dance before. So,you make more appointments. You’re playing the long game now. You’re going to need to fake some sicknesses. Don’t make your appointments so frequent or your illnesses so severe that your doctor’s concern over your medical situation will steal focus from your sneakers. In general during these visits, you’re going to want to:
- Wear colorful socks.
- Dress in shorts.
- Do lots of stretches.
When I’m ready to bring out the big guns, I’ll cover my sneakers with artificial snow that I made, in the middle of summer. Naturally the doctor will be perplexed and say something like “Is it snowing outside? Because that would be insane. It’s the middle of summer.” I’ll shrug like I’m not actually sure, but wipe my sneakers free of the snow. And I’ll coyly say ”Do they look better now?”
Doctors know that we like when they compliment our sneakers and many of them enjoy withholding it. This line will make an excellent pull quote for the article.
By now it might be months, maybe even years since your initial visit. Do NOT keep buying different pairs of sneakers each time you go. You don’t want to seem like someone who is just always purchasing new sneakers. Simply wear different shoes whenever you go anywhere else. Keep your special sneakers in new condition. It’s also likely that you’ve been awake for days, so consumed you are with your goal. Please remember to shower before appointments.
Doctors know that we like when they compliment our sneakers and many of them enjoy withholding it. This line will make an excellent pull quote for the article. And it will gain extra meaning when it’s repeated below because it contains multiple layers.
These next two plans are my secret weapons. On your next visit, pull the fire alarm. Be sure to find your doctor in the crowd outside and casually tell them that you’re glad you just got new sneakers, since your old ones would have hurt your feet with all this walking. Doesn’t do the job? That’s okay, cause you’re making a make-up appointment for the very next day. This time, you’re going to set a real fire. It doesn’t need to be big, just large enough to cause general disorder and extreme panic. You’ve done your homework and memorized all the fire escapes. You’ll see your doctor running for their lives and yell out to them that you know the quickest way out. They’ll follow. But you’ve locked the door. Crouching in terror, you’ll whisper to them that you can’t believe you’re going to die after only having your new sneakers for one day…
This plan is almost foolproof but not quite. Fire stations have the pesky habit of being efficient. But, there is one more method. The ace in the hole. For only when you’ve exhausted all other options. Play close attention. Performance is key.
During an examination, say “Do you like my new sneakers?” Then wait. The bait is on the hook. The hook is in the water. They’ll usually say something like “they’re nice”. And then you’ll smile. “Old friend,” you’ll say, “I got you.”
Then it’s time to get a new doctor and buy some new sneakers.