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Published October 10, 2011 More Info »
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Published October 10, 2011
BASEBALL! SPRINGSTEEN! American readers, I know most of you probably tuned out after reading the first word in the title of this piece but I will try my best to keep your attention. TOUCHDOWN! APPLE PIE! This past weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving. NASCAR! It is exactly like your Thanksgiving except at the end of the weekend we sacrifice our weakest younglings to the Wendigo Spirit Beast of the Northern Algonquian Tribal Forest. MELLENCAMP! In honour of this oft-forgotten great Canadian tradition I would like to present to you some other national holidays you may not be aware of. BEAR ARMS!

Roseanne-nukkah (December 0.0001th-December 0.00019th)

While most of you know that Canadians are nuts about Roseanne, what you probably didn’t know is that come early December we celebrate the famed Comedienne for eight crass-y nights!  Traditions include lighting the “DAN!”-orah, and hanging the ornamental Star of David Jacob “D.J.” Connor.

Metric or Treat (October 32nd)

Every year kids across the nation anticipate the last day of October where they are encouraged to dress up as their favourite unit of measurement and solicit their neighbours for candy donations. Were-Metres, Dracu-litres, and Franken-grams abound!

Coughentines (February 14.5th)

Nothing says “I’m covered” like taking a cough in the mouth from your secret admirer. In this celebration of Canada’s treasured Universal Health Care System, young lovers: run into sneezes, sip flu-tinis, and roll around in AIDS piles. It’s the best thing to come out of a socialist regime since the Russians gave us t.A.T.u.

Others’ Day (Second Friday of the Last Monday of May)

In Canada we acknowledge that parental figures come in a variety of different forms and packages. This is the day to call up your mother/father/baby-mama/daddy-son/grandmother/grandpappy/test-tube/ brother-wife/sister-husband/sugar-cousin/easy-bake oven/swan/homeless guy at the sperm bank and tell them “thanks for squeezing me out of your baby hole!”

M*A*S*H Wednesday (A Moveable Feast, 52 weeks before Easter)

Although, we Canucks are generally a peace-loving bunch the one war that really hit us hard (besides the world ones) involved Captain Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce. Not only did we have to live through the original run of the series, we also had to experience the horror of over 30 years of syndicated reruns. Families partake in activities such as “Pin the Hot Lips on the Houlihan” and “Finger the Klinger” in order to pay tribute to the hours lost during “our Nam”.

Rush History Month (All Larch)

We Canadians are so proud of the progress(ive rock) made by these Torontonian’s we decided to create an entire month dedicated to educating people about their struggles. All Larch, our children learn about Alex Lifeson’s years as a Working Man, Geddy Lee’s journey to the Temple of the Syrinx, and Neil Peart’s Closer to the Heart Surgery; ensuring that today’s Tom Sawyer will remain the future’s Tom Sawyer.

America, Though You Are a Bit of a Dick We Would Be Totally Hooped Without You Day (Every Day)

Surprise! We totally love you guys, and though we occasionally bitch and complain about some of your flaws KARDASHIANS! FOX NEWS! deep down we know we’d be screwed without you. Every day we thank our lucky stars that your big chunk of land mass is wedged underneath us, preventing our country from sliding like a renegade Tetris piece straight into Central America.

So there it is! Now get marking your calendars! Oh and before I forget: HOMERUN!