1) It’s About Time
It’s nice they found time between cleaning 1,000 corpses off the street to go to Zombie Sears and get this picture taken. And Judith is finally growing up! She appears to have aged a full year in two weeks and is really starting to look like her dad! Shane. Her dad is Shane. Remember when Shane banged Lori in the woods? They made a kid that day and her name is Judith.
Yep, everything is back to normal! We’re all just going to act like Carl walking around with a hole in his head is super normal. Did Rick REALLY say, “See you later!” to his kid with one eye? Yes. Yes he did and he cemented his legacy in the Dad Joke Hall Of Fame.
2) Toothpaste Is My New Favorite Character
Toothpaste, a fan favorite from the comics, has finally made an appearance on the show and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Toothpaste is by far my new favorite character. So bold and dynamic. There’s more than meets the eye with toothpaste. Is toothpaste going to be friend or foe? I’m on the edge of my seat! I hear they’re going to introduce floss in season 17! This is the most watched show on cable television.
3) Please Make This Conversation End
Oh god. Please make this conversation end. It’s like listening to two broken walkie-talkies fall down a flight of stairs in a tornado. I can actually hear the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music playing as Daryl shrugs and walks away. And thanks, Doctor Lady, for letting us know you’re from Ohio and you say, “pop” instead of soda. What a wonderful bit of dialogue! It’s a welcome relief that not every conversation in this show is a long speech that ends with, “THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW BECAUSE HUMANS ARE THE REAL DANGER AND WE CAN’T GO BACK BECAUSE THAT’S JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE WHICH IS DIFFERENT NOW BY THE WAY THINGS ARE DIFFERENT!” but like holy shit if I have to hear these two talk to each other again I’m going to pour pop in my ears until they don’t work anymore.
4) ROAD TRIP!
ROAAAAD TRIIIIIP! Tunes? CHECK! Walter White’s old whip? CHECK! I’m glad AMC held on to that thing; it’s more likable and relatable than every person on this show besides toothpaste. And before you jump in the comments (I read every single comment) to tell me it’s not Walter White’s exact model because he had an upgraded sport package, I would like to remind you that this is how you sound when you say shit like that.
Speaking of nerds, Eugene is doing his best to be useful.
Uh, sure Eugene. We’ll be on the lookout for that grain that definitely sounds like something you didn’t make up. How are we at four things deep and the opening credits haven’t even rolled? CUE THE TUNES, RICK! WE’VE GOT GROUND TO COVER!
5) Why Didn’t They Split Up?
OK, so that thing Eugene said was not only a real grain but conveniently painted across this barn. I didn’t go to any fancy barn-painting university, but is this common practice? Seems like a waste of paint and an afternoon, plus an open invitation to grain thieves. It was all a clever ruse, though, as there wasn’t any grain in there at all! Bummer. Just a FULLY LOADED UNLOCKED TRUCK OF SUPPLIES!
There’s even the pasta maker that dead lady wanted! This is all definitely not too good to be true, I’ve got a great feeling about this. But why oh why did Rick and Daryl decide to leave a perfectly good car behind and not split up? Oh! That’s right. So they could feed each other chocolate.
Yep. Totally worth leaving that car behind. Great call. Go team.
6) Jesus Took The Wheel
Now that we have a truck with every single thing we need, let’s just pull over to grab some beverages. Because nothing goes better with toothpaste than orange soda. Enter this shady-looking guy!
Rick is trying way too hard to be this creep’s friend. “How many walkers did you kill? What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Mint chip? Same! If you could only take one album to a desert island, what would it be? And don’t say The White Album because that’s two albums!” Daryl has the right idea; anyone who calls himself Jesus is sketchy as hell and probably sells ecstasy to kids in middle school.
And why did they run toward the sound of what they thought were gun shots? Wouldn’t that normally be your cue to enter your vehicle full of supplies and go the other direction? Honestly, they deserved to have their truck stolen. Make better choices, you two! Or not. Whatever. Just live your life, I guess. I’m not your boss.
7) I Don’t Care About Shovel Guy
I vaguely remember seeing this guy last season (half season?) because he was stealing crackers or climbing on a rope and I just don’t care about him. Stop trying to make me care about things that I’m never going to care about.When your most interesting traits are you like crackers and have a shovel, congratulations, you are somehow less interesting than both crackers and shovels combined.
8) Who Loves Orange Soda?
Don’t know about you guys, but when I’m sprinting for miles after a moving vehicle the only thing that gets me going is chugging hot orange soda fresh out of the can. Bonus points if I get to share it with my bro. Also, did these guys forget how cans work?
There’s a thing right on top of the can you can pull to open it. Really no need to bite the side, Daryl! You don’t look cooler for doing it like that. But it certainly does help us clearly see the brand of soda you’re drinking! A lot of people don’t know this, but TV is just a fancy box in your living room put there to sell you stuff! Stay woke.
9) Carl’s Plan To Finger This Moody Girl In The Woods Is Not Going Great
Carl’s story arc of attempting to finger this moody girl in the woods is not going great. You can accredit most of his failure to the fact that he’s silently reading comic books, which historically speaking has never been a fast track to sexual prosperity. Say something funny, Carl! Ask her what her favorite Cure album is! Bury your stupid hat and never wear it again! Moody girls get fingered in the woods every day and you’re one of the last guys her age alive. How hard is your job? I can’t hold your hand through everything. Life is going to be tougher than this.
10) How Did Jesus Get On The Roof?
Are we as viewers to believe that Jesus undid those knots and climbed up on the roof of the truck in the two seconds Rick and Daryl had their backs to him? Yes. Yes, we are to believe that. Because the writers believe we are dumb! CUE THE BENNY HILL MUSIC!
If you’re reading this in the future and that video doesn’t play, AMC probably pulled the clip from YouTube. But let me just assure you it was Daryl chasing Jesus around set to Benny Hill music and it was the best thing that’s ever happened to me in an otherwise less-than-noteworthy existence on this planet. My time here has been brief and I’ve squandered most of it on shitty TV shows.
11) Deanna’s In One Piece
Last time we saw Deanna she was about to get eaten by dozens of zombies, so it’s kind of surprising to see her here in one piece. Maybe the horde filled up on Zombie Jalapeño Poppers at Buffalo Walker Wings and didn’t have room for the main course? Such noble creatures. So much like us. I think this is actually the best Deanna ever looked. Did you get a new haircut, girl? Good for you! You finally kicked your loving, kind, intelligent husband to the curb after his throat got cut with a samurai sword and you are positively radiant these days.
12) Carl And Michonne’s Touching Moment
What a touching moment. Carl and Michonne expressing their love in terms of how quickly they would be down to murder each other. Hey, Michonne! I don’t believe you would really kill Carl. Prove it! Put your sword where his mouth is. Seriously. Do it. You said you would, no take-backsies.
13) This Is Some Freaky Shit
Horny nerds everywhere rejoiced that Michonne and Rick finally hooked up. It just goes to show that all you need to do to get a woman to have sex with you is ask her how her day was and give her some mints. But then Jesus had to show up, after escaping his prison made out of construction paper, and ruin this touching moment. Uh, Rick and Michonne were a little too quick to grab their weapons, don’t you think? It makes you wonder if they incorporated them into their love making and the answer is an immediate yes. Absolutely. “I want to feel your cold sword against my Grimesy ball sack! Now suck my gun like it’s a dick!” I’m not saying it went down exactly like that but, come on, grow up, it went down exactly like that. I have lots of great ideas for this show and only most of them involve putting a gun in someone’s mouth and telling them to suck it like a dick. Tune in next week! Will Father Gabriel and Jesus get along? Seems like a perfect match. Is Carl ever going to get to first base with Enid? Definitely not with that hat on his head. Is Tabitha the goat still alive?!? Fan speculation is at an all time high. I made that joke last season and I’m making it again because I am lazy. None of this and more on S06E11 of The Walking Dead!