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July 27, 2015
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Stephen Hawking keeps talking about how extremely intelligent aliens will colonize and conquer us, but how smart can they be if they haven't taken the time to watch the best TV show of all time?

I don’t care what NASA finds on Kepler-452b but I’m not calling it intelligent life until I’m sure it’s seen The Wire. Character development, story structure, a succinct cultural message about poverty in America, The Wire is the most intelligent show that’s ever been on television, and if they haven’t seen it, how smart can they be? I’m not threatened or intimidated by anyone, especially an alien species, if they don’t know who McNulty is. And I really doubt any of them do. They live in space, and probably don’t have an HBO Go password. And if they’ve paid for HBO Now, they’re suckers and I respect them even less.

Stephen Hawking keeps worrying that if we find intelligent alien life we’ll all be colonized and conquered, and I’m just not buying it. Straight up, I don’t think the aliens are as smart as me. I guarantee you I got a better SAT score than any of them. 1310. Now is that score perfect? No. But is it better than literally any alien? Uh, yeah. Way better.

The likelihood that any of these aliens has even taken the SAT is low. They probably don’t even understand the difference between the ACT and the SAT. So forgive me if I’m not quaking in my boots at the thought of a bunch of community college aliens colonizing me. And before any of you say, “We can’t judge the aliens’ intelligence on a standardized test,” let me assure you that I get it. I’ve read Malcolm Gladwell. But I don’t think any of them would thrive in a liberal arts, small-classroom school either. I doubt they speak English. They might not even have mouths.

In all likelihood the aliens are complete waste. And boring. I guarantee you I know better restaurants to go to in Brooklyn, so I’m bound to be more popular. I know the details of whiskey and bourbon better than them, so I’m not worried about losing any dates. And I’m not going to share these secrets here, but let’s just say I have a few tricks to get extra frequent flier miles. It involves credit cards. Let’s see an alien figure that out.

NASA can find as much life as they want in the universe. With their Kepler program they’ve found two habitable planets thus far. Great. But will they colonize us? Not here on Earth. Unless I can sit down and have an open talk with one of these aliens about why Stringer Bell is the most nuanced character in television history, you will never be able to convince me we’ve found intelligent life. And I swear to god if these aliens say they like Breaking Bad better NASA better just say pass and move on.

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