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September 21, 2015

If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that the military seems chill and we should definitely all trust them.

1) Everything Is Fine Again!

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Everything is totally fine again, you guys! Nick (I have reluctantly learned some of the characters’ names) is taking a relaxing heroin dip in a pool surrounded by kale. That annoying kid is on the roof making more of the worst YouTube videos of all time even though YouTube doesn’t exist anymore. Hero Dad (I haven’t learned all the characters’ names) is going for his morning jog around the MILITARY PRISON THEY ALL SEEM COOL WITH? I get it. The world is a scary place out there. You’ve got zombies and looters and gas prices through the roof, oh brother! But everyone is way too comfortable with this whole thing after just nine days. Really goes to show how much good will you can generate if you offer to charge someone’s phone for two hours.

2) Classic Goof

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What a jokester! “Be nice so I don’t have to shoot you!” is such a FUN and GOOFY thing to yell to a crowd! Especially when you have a shitload of guns. What subtle foreshadowing. Like a subtle metric ton of bricks being dropped on your subtle face from five subtle feet above your subtle head.

3) More Fiend

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Wait, you mean the drug addict who just wants to float in a pool all day is still using drugs? Stop the presses! There was no way at all to see this coming except by using your eyes. Also, congrats on somehow finding a more unsettling place to get high than that murder church he used to call home. As relaxing as morphine sounds, I don’t think it would take the edge off of napping underneath a dying man. Maybe just take the pills your mom is offering? They seem chill! Take a chill pill. Holy shit, I just realized chill pills are a real thing.

4) Fake It Until You Make It

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Great work, fake nurse! You, uh, went around the neighborhood giving everyone morphine and wrapping them in bandages. Top notch stuff, very believable doctoring. And then a real doctor shows up and tells you to keep pretending to be a nurse? Everyone is just doing their best these days! It’s too bad it’s dangerously inadequate and will almost certainly cost everyone their lives.

5) Take That Gun!!!

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Hey, New Carol! I don’t know if you realize it, but this guy doesn’t need his gun anymore. That’s a free gun. TAKE THE GUN! How did she not take this gun? I guess she’s only into bashing skulls in, and that gun would make for a poor bashing tool, so she figured it’s basically garbage. ROOKIE MOVE, NEW CAROL. We all judged you for it.

6) Great Idea

Angsty teenagers are some of the dumbest people alive. Cheer up! I know this breakup feels tough but it’s not the end of the world until it’s actually the end of the world! Wait. Shit. OK, I guess stay bummed because the world is in fact ending. It still doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to go full prison tattoo on some shit your ex-boyfriend (MOVE ON, ALREADY!) drew on you. And it could SO EASILY get infected or be mistaken for a bite. How did she get into such a good college? It’s a miracle she can feed herself and tie her shoes.

7) What Did The Five Fingers Say To The Heroin Addict?

SLAP! Slappity slap slap SLAAAAPPPP! Looks like someone is still harboring some hostility from last week’s Monopoly sesh. I enjoyed watching Nick get slapped. It was cool! Parents shouldn’t hit kids, but if you’re an adult fucking around with heroin you deserve to get the shit slapped out of you. Especially by your mom. She should be first in line to the slap fiesta. It’s a good thing he’s all doped up on morphine or this parental ass whooping might’ve actually hurt.

8) Worst Sales Pitch Ever

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Free healthcare, bro! Just follow all these shadow figures with assault rifles. Seems legit! Oh, you’re not into it? We’ll you’re going to need some healthcare after this RIFLE SMACK! Nick’s head CANNOT CATCH A BREAK these days. Just whoppings. Tune in next week! The gang is going to shine flashlights on the roof some more and use a refrigerator for three hours of the day while the military systematically makes their loved ones disappear. Everyone is just doing their best!