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July 10, 2012

a short tale of a poolside date ruined by solar interference


Just as Vladimir Kirishnikov had stepped into the shadows and was removing his trousers in preparation for jumping into his family's in-ground pool, the sun peeked out of the clouds behind which it had been hiding all morning, exposing his birthmark-riddled legs to a blast of blindingly-bright sunlight. With a shouted curse directed at the gods of his ancestors, the seventeen-year-old young man from Paoli, Pennsylvania yelled, “Bozshe moy!” and leaped into the glittering wet, but not before his date, sixteen-year-old Keren-Ann Chesterfield, cheerleader and text-messaging enthusiast from a few towns over, caught a fully-illuminated glimpse of the large, splotchy red marks that cluster around the tops of his knees. Swimming to the bottom of the pool, Vladimir attempted to punch himself in the mouth for not having worn those swimming trunks with the longer legs, forgetting, however, how difficult it is to to punch things while underwater and rising soon back to the surface, to face the music.


Having uttered a barely perceptible, “Ugh,” Ms. Chesterfield pulled her summer dress back on over her freaking brand-new bikini and dragged her designer purse back onto her lap. Reclining into her slender hardwood deck chair, she started to compose the first of many messages to all of her friends mocking her date for his unfortunate skin condition, which she had heard of in rumor but never actually seen with her own eyes. “Yeh,” she said in a text to Barbara “Bunni-Buns” Reyes, her best friend forever from cheer-leading, “legs like so gross. omfg pls come get meeeeee!!!?!?!?!???!?!?”


Keren-Ann left soon thereafter without even trying to get close to any part of Vladimir's body, leaning forward and giving him the most awkward a-frame hug yet witnessed by man. While Mr. Kirishnikov at first admitted to being somewhat peeved by the girl's behavior, any residual sadness vanished as soon as his backup date – a fifteen-year-old lacrosse player from his own school – got dropped off at the front gate to his house, by her dad.


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