From the desk of Adolf Hitler, ghost:
As a ghost, I’m often asked what I regret the most in my former life. I have to be honest: a lot. I was a horrible person, arguably the worst who ever lived. And I’m not even a great ghost. I have spent decades paying for my sins, and still somehow manage to be a dick. Yesterday at lunch, they were out of mashed potatoes, and although I have gone through copious amounts of anger management, I tell ya, I just blew a gasket. I hope you can put all the genocide, and mashed potato flip-outs, aside for a few paragraphs as I beg you, from the bottom of what’s left of my rotting evil heart, please stop comparing me to Donald Trump.
Ok, ok. Here me out. I’m in no spot to be asking favors. The greatest tragedy this world has ever seen, that’s on me. The horrible anti-Semitism, homophobia, and racism that continues to this day, I’m told also has something to do with me.
But Donald Trump? C'mooooon. That guy, I mean, jeeze, I can’t even, comonnnnn.
We all laughed when he said he was running for president. He rode down that escalator awkwardly waving like he didn’t know how normal human bodies worked. I saw that and said, “No way!” But little by little, he started winning you people over and now he might be your president. This is bad enough news.
But then the real tragedy. Once Mr. Trumps racism came to light, suddenly his critics went to old racist punching bag. That’s right. Your dead friend Hitler. When I first heard this I started crying. Suddenly I’m back in the news being compared to this sexist horror show of a failed real estate man.
Later that day at breakfast, the cafeteria had Hamburger Helper. For breakfast. Not lunch. Breakfast. This place, God, I could go on and on. It’s nice hell even has a 24-hour cafeteria, but that doesn’t mean you always have to phone it in. Anyway…
Remember when he said all Mexicans are rapists? Does he know what a Mexican is? I do! And I’m Hitler. A terrible, terrible man.
I can help you stop this. Remember I was democratically elected too? People liked me. I knew how horrible I was. But as the country’s economy plummeted, and my poll numbers went up, I thought: “Well, I guess this is happening.”
Then I went on to commit the most atrocious acts this world has ever seen. Which again, this letter is not about. It is about that me, as one of the worst people ever born, can still say that Donald Trump is not a good person, and to be compared to him, is just…yuck. You have to stop this so that my name will stop being dragged through the mud.
No one took me seriously, they said I wasn’t going to go through with my horrific plans, the media covered me, but people laughed. Then it happened. Stop this before it is too late. That’s coming from me, Adolph Hitler. A monster.
I can not state this enough: I am not a good guy and in no way should you feel sympathy for me. The other day I briefly thought I saw sweet potato in the “vegetable melody” but it was a square carrot. Oh, I’m sorry, thought maybe we would class this hell hole up for a bit. But just a gross misshapen carrot. Back to the point at hand: I am not Donald Trump!
I am not asking for your forgiveness. I’m just saying: can’t a guy in death not be compared to the garbage fire that is Donald Trump? He has no morals. He goes back and forth on his stances depending on what will make him the most money. My stances were very, very bad, but dammit man at least I stuck to them! But Donald just flip-flops between one horrible choice and a slightly less horrible choice.
He’s like your creepy uncle that just spends all dinner whispering inappropriate and sexually explicit stories. Just gross. Square carrot gross.
Well, free time is over and I have to go back to my eternal torture right now. But I promise you, nothing hurts as much to being compared to that spineless, racist coward, Donald Trump. I know this, because I was a spineless, racist coward, who in the afterlife is just trying to make up for everything I have done.
Adolf. Hitler, Ghost
Jamie Kilstein is a NYC based musician and writer. You can preorder his bands first album on ITUNES here and see them live every Wed night in June and July at The Side Walk Café with guest musicians and story tellers like Janeane Garofalo and more. Jamiekilstein.com/gigs