Pope Francis
Guest Columnist

Hello gentle children of God,

It’s me, Pope “The Cool Pope” Francis, just checking in with y’all.

Don’t know if you saw my pics online or not, but I just got back from a pretty sweet trip to Cuba and the U.S. Dudes for real? Havana was so chill, for real. Fo real fo real. You should totally go if you can. It was a pretty sweet time overall. Super chill.

But then, well, this one thing happened that wasn’t so chill or sweet: There was some backlash about me having a secret meeting with Kim Davis, that county clerk in Kentucky who refused to do her job and give gay people marriage certificates.

All the sudden, people have been saying, “Hey, maybe Pope Francis isn’t such a cool pope after all.” And just being honest y’all? That is seriously a bummer to hear. Because I have worked very hard to be the cool pope. I’ve been all, “Sorry to be a downer, but climate change is real, dudes,” and you were all, “Whoa, that’s cool the pope said that.” And I was also all, “Hey ladies, for the next year? If you confess that you had an abortion, it’s all good. I talked to my boy Jesus and you can still go to Heaven and stuff.” And then you were all, “Shit, this pope is cool as shit!”

Now y’all are saying I’m not cool. You’re saying it wasn’t cool of me to secretly meet with Kim Davis and give her a rosary and say I’d be praying for her and stuff.

But guys? I can explain.

I wasn’t meeting with Kim Davis because I thought what she did was cool. I’m not about endorsing somebody for being hateful. You guys know me. So just think: Maybe there is some other reason I was meeting with her and keeping it on the down low. Do you get what I’m saying? Let me spell it out for you:

I was just trying to get in Kim Davis’ pants, y’all.

Woop woop! See? I’m still the cool pope! What’s cooler than an Argentine gangsta like myself just trying to get some sweet Kentucky loving? Y’all feel me now?

OK, let me anticipate the next backlash and say, yes, I’m supposed to be celibate and stuff, and I am, but everything up until penis-in-vagina is totally cool in the eyes of God, my boy Jesus told me in a dream once. So just a little hand action beneath da pants is all good. Imagine me saying “beneath da pants” like all freaky like. Pretty cool and funny, huh?

Did I get in her pants? Well, not to get in somebody’s pants and tell, but honestly guys? I totally got in her pants.

No, I’m not just making this up to make y’all think I’m still the cool pope!

I’m being real with y'all. I, like, put my hand down there, in her pants I mean, and then she was all, “That feels good, the pope!” and I was like, “Yeah, this is what boys and girls do when they’re feeling nasty!” and she smiled and told me “Good job, the pope, you’re doing a good job with your fingers touching all over my vaginal mound” and I smiled and said, “Yes yes y’all!” And, you know, I touched, like, her, well, you know and it felt like, um, you guys know, I don’t need to say it! She like made noises like people do in sex scenes in movies and I could totally tell she was so into it, like so so into it and into me and it was so awesome and special. And, um, and then I blew an airhorn and she came so hard guys, seriously. That’s a sex move I invented called “The Papal Conclave” haha. It was awesome. And then we high-fived and then that’s why I gave her the rosary, you guys. Because she came so hard because I’m such a player!

So you guys get it now? I’m still the cool pope.

Please keep calling me the cool pope.

Pope out.

Advertisement
Advertisement