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July 24, 2011

The beginning of a saga chronicling the life of Fubs McSimmonds: A man who has complete control of his bodily functions which he uses accordingly.

This morning I was awoken by an uncomfortable churning deep within my gut, kind of like how a woman would feel during a third trimester abortion. Thank Jesus Fuggin' Christ that the pain only lasted a few moments (and that that slut in Mexico wasn't overly religious and finally got around to getting our issue resolved.) Anyway, I decided that since I was up, I might as well take a whizz. My ten foot walk to the bathroom went swimmingly, nothing to suggest what was about to unfold.

Upon my arrival to the can, I whipped out my Johnson and proceeded to urinate in and around the  john (I'm clumsy when I know my bitch mom will clean it up). About midstream I began to feel the awful pain once again... I grew increasingly unhappy. I decided that in order to alleviate this bullshit I would have to fart. And so I mustered enough strength to rip one of what should have been the most gratifying toots of my life. But alas, I got more than I bargained for. I stopped pissing when steam crept up into my asscrack. Realizing I was in deep shit (pun mutherfuckah's) I took the appropriate action and took off my pants and under-roos, placing them near the peestained walls next to the toilet. I figured since my ma was going to have to clean the bathroom, the bitch might as well do laundry too.