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March 08, 2016
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It's cool that she admitted to it, but it's cooler that she took drugs.

Maria Sharapova, the highest paid female athlete on Planet Earth (data hasn’t come in from other planets, yet) admitted on Monday that she tested positive for the use of meldonium. For those who don’t know, meldonium is a drug, so uhhhh yeahhhh, it seems like Maria is for sure down to clown.

Sharapova’s peers are commending her for coming clean about her dirty habit and say that they both believe her that it wasn’t intentional and also that they think it’s very cool she’s admitting to this. Uhmm, what’s kewl is any type of D-R-U-G. Probably the one thing cooler than being the top female athlete in the world, is being the top female athlete in the world who’s a lil bit of a bad-ass!

Now Sharapova is saying that she wasn’t aware meldonium, a drug (!) she’s been using since 2006 for health reasons, was a banned substance, and to be fair it wasn’t until January 1st of this year. But to be even more fair, doing an ~illegal drug~ that people didn’t really even KNOW was bad until like a few months ago is breaking all kinds of rad AF records.

This new foray into nefarious behavior no doubt puts a lil bit of a damper on her tennis career and that’s a bummer of course. Yes, Sharapova is losing some sponsors as a result of this incident, but when God closes a window he opens a door to a fun meldonium rave. Sharapova s a stellar tennis player but now she can really look into being the world’s most athletic meldonium-head. In fact she can be the world’s highest paid female athletic meldonium-head. What an achievement for women.

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