11 Reasons Why Funny or Die’s New Weather App Isn’t Your Mother’s Weather App
By: Amy Corson
- 1. Your mother’s weather app never told you jokes, along with accurate up to date weather information, like the new Funny or Die App, available now on the iTunes App Store.
- 2. In fact, your mother’s weather app never told you much of anything.
- 3. That’s because your mother never owned a weather app.
- 4. In fact she never owned a cell phone.
- 5. Your mother eschewed society with a firm hand, rejecting societal comforts and instead preferring to spend her days living in a roughly constructed lean-to in your backyard.
- 6. It had been this way for as long as you could remember: your father and siblings living in your colonial-style brick house, occasionally tossing leftover bones into the backyard for your mother to gnaw on. You never saw her consuming them, but sometimes at night, you could almost hear it. Come morning, the bones would be gone.
- 7. “Mother?” You would venture tremulously, inching towards her hut, trying to peer inside to where you imagined she sat in wait, the whites of her eyes glowing in the dark. “Mother, I got a B+ on my biology test. Are you proud of me?” She never responded, per say. But she always snuffled a little louder in these moments. And you supposed that was what pride sounded like.
- 8. It wasn’t until you were 27 years old that you learned that creature had never been your mother at all, but an old raccoon that had taken up shelter in the broken down dog house in your backyard. Why had your father referred to this raccoon as your mother for so long? Where was your actual mother? These questions plague you.
- 9. You visit that old raccoon sometimes. It still lives behind your childhood home. A new family lives there now, so you wait until dark, and sneak back through the hedges, until you’re standing by the dilapidated dog house. “Look mom,” you whisper, with tears in your eyes. “These are your grandchildren.” You pull a picture out of your wallet, and hold it up for your raccoon mom to see.
- 10. She doesn’t say anything, because she is a raccoon. But you hear her snuffle a little louder.
- 11. You suppose that must be what pride sounds like.