Everyone dreads a political argument ruining Thanksgiving dinner. With this year’s incredibly polarizing election, the fear is especially strong. Here are 50 tips to avoid the political tension this Turkey Day:
1. Pretend you’ve been in a coma for the past 18 months and that you’re still in it.
2. Tell everyone you DVR’d the election and not to spoil it.
3. No Trump branded meats.
4. Ironically, build a wall between each seat at the table.
5. Forge a doctor’s note saying you’re allergic to political discourse.
6. Focus on the football game. Unless the Grabbin’ Pussies are playing.
7. Make everyone strap on their feedbag at the door.
8. Don’t serve Chicken Melania.
9. Point over there and shout, “Look out! The turkey’s son has come for revenge!” Now run away.
10. Whenever someone seems like they’re about to say something even vaguely political, loudly announce that you’re coming out of – or going back into – the closet.
11. Yell “food fight” and see if that takes off.
12. Start as many mannequin challenges as you can.
13. Keep a morsel of whichever food you’re allergic to in your pocket.
14. Hold an impromptu séance for turkey spirits.
15. Dump a pile of harmonicas on the kids’ table.
16. Tell your cousin you’re waiting to read his collected Facebook posts in hardcover.
17. Start the backyard football game. But maybe skip the backyard national anthem performance.
18. Conveniently get a couple cranberries stuck in your ears.
19. Conveniently get a cornucopia stuck on your head.
20. Conveniently still be wearing your Bane mask from Halloween.
21. Do a distracting magic trick.
22. Whenever politics come up, excuse yourself to go give your diabetic goldfish insulin.
23. A surprise proposal to your college girlfriend of two months.
24. Just as the conversation turns to the election, start recruiting new team members for your amazing multi-level marketing beauty product sales team. That should clear the room.
25. Keep shoving handfuls of macaroni into that one aunt’s mouth.
26. If you do bring your famous Cinnamon Deplorables, at least don’t put them in a basket.
27. Take your grandfather’s lead. Act like you don’t know what year it is.
28. Pretend your air horn is malfunctioning.
29. Pretend you’re a European exchange cousin who doesn’t speak great English.
30. Strategically introduce new puppies.
31. Strategically introduce new children.
32. See if people still want to talk endlessly about Pokemon.
33. See if people still want to talk endlessly about Zika
34. See if people still want to talk endlessly about that gorilla or that lion or that dress.
35. Keep the same bite of food in your mouth without swallowing, so your mouth is always full. Actually eat before you come.
36. Have a “No Politics” gong and don’t be afraid to bang it.
37. Write a note about resting your vocal cords for caroling season.
38. Fake a tongue injury.
39. If anyone asks your opinion on a political issue, smile and start scatting.
40. Don’t even mention that you haven’t seen Hamilton but you’ve heard it’s good. Still kind of political.
41. Dress up as a pilgrim and pretend you’re a decoration.
42. Dress up as an Indian and pretend you’re decoration.
43. Dress up as a turkey and pretend you’re a decoration.
44. Dress up as a cornucopia and pretend you’re a centerpiece.
45. Start punching yourself in the face and say you’re toughening up for Black Friday.
46. Rather than ask the host their bathroom policy, secretly go in the backyard.
47. If you’re hosting, remove your bathroom.
48. Keep that “Turkey Lives Matter” joke to yourself.
49. Same for “Make America Grate Again.”
50. Agree to disagree to agree to disagree to agree until your opinionated relative is lost.