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February 27, 2012

Similarities of a night out between gay and straight men.


         Contrary to popular beliefs of straight men, getting ready to go out for a gay man is pretty similar to them rather than it is to a woman. Shocker! I know. Even the planning is pretty much the same as well, though we have a much different ritual.

               After waking up on the day that you plan to be wasted, while being inside someone or having someone inside of you, it's planned out perfectly. For a straight guy, you call up a group of your buddies and put a plan in motion to get yourself some pussy. For example, "Dude, let's hit a bunch of bars tonight. Gotta snatch up some much needed pussy tonight bro. And get hammered with my bros at the same time. Fucking win/win bro." Now, gay men pretty much do the same but, of course, the conversation is much different. For example, "hey bitch, girl lets go out tonight! I need some in the worse way. Don't pull any of that 'I'm too tired’ bullshit, either. You know you could use the dick, too." See, different dialog with the same agenda. Our end goal is pretty much similar-- getting ass. Now all throughout the day you do various things to prep yourselves for the evening. You go to the gym, eat, and, of course, masturbate to get that first nut out of the way. (Most men that like lasting for little while longer should know this trick by now, hopefully.) Then, you call your best buddy back to confirm how sick tonight is about to be and how much pussy, or dick, y’all are about to get. After that comes “the shower,” this is where you really get ready for the night, of course masturbating once again, but, also getting yourself ready for tasting. Your "better parts" finally get the scrubbing they've probably lacked since your last rendezvous. Gay guys, those that are bottoms, have to do their kind of “douching” by using their trusty enemas and getting to work. (I'll leave those details for your imagination.) And, finally, your shower is finished and on to the wardrobe part of your evening. Pulling out your vagina/ass/penis getting outfit that is guaranteed to get papa some action. White guys tend to skip the lotion part but black guys know an ashy ass or dick tends to scare off their prospective bed sheet bingo partner. People like it rough but not to the point where your skin is giving them cuts and rashes. Next, you recite your normal list to yourself before exiting the apartment, "wallet, phone, keys, gum, smokes (optional), and condoms (once again, optional).” You take your last glance over in the mirror and then off to go stake your claim on one "lucky" piece of ass.

                  Finally, you've left the building humming your tune to yourself about how you want a freak that night and in the morning. Meeting up with the boys at your home bar to pregame, because everyone needs a bit of “courage juice” in 'em. Now, some like to start off at their home bar by testing out their game with some random whores they don't recognize because they figure fucking a chick/dude that's a regular isn't worth messing up their turf. As the night rolls on, assignments are given out; wingman duties, hype man duties, and lead man for the evening. At the new bar, you've spotted exactly what will suffice your exceeding appetite and toss your plan into motion. Now at gay bars it's pretty easier to pick up than it is at straight bars because you pretty much can hook up with someone in less than 5 minutes. (The gay guys that know how the bathroom situation goes know exactly what I'm talking about.) Of course not all gay spots are like that, there are many prestigious gay places that are for those that want to play the game of building something that can possibly be more. But for those that just want their rocks off know where to go. Straight guys, unless they're extremely good-looking, have to put some work in for that "golden ticket" they're after. And those that don't have their team behind them knows sometimes it can be a long unpleasant night if the chick you're going for has a bunch of “bell peppers” blocking. Now once the play is in motion and everyone has assumed a position, your job is pretty simple depending how good your game is.

                    End of the night has come, and, hopefully, you've gathered your prey to bring back to your lair. Always go back to your place because you never want to be the one on your “walk of shame” at 8am after a night of "romp, romp, nut." The cab ride to your place gets intense; make-out session, extra fondling, and poking. Never feels like that cab is moving fast enough, until y'all have arrived and practically run into your place. The deed gets done and you let the person go off into the sun, feeling accomplished that you achieved your main goal for that evening. Falling in and out of lapses of sleep until your eyes fix onto where your wallet lays open, and you realize that bitch stole your money.