or
0 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
26 Views
Published August 02, 2008

Oil Companies- Got Any Spare Change? Help a Brother Out

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

The six largest oil companies reported their profits for the 2nd quarter Thursday and Friday.

Combined, they were $51,500,000,000.

Look at that number for a while. Digest it.

Then fucking stick your bulimic finger down your throat and barf it up.

It is not only Big Oil’s best quarter- it’s the best quarter of any industry- at any time. Enron (oops, I mean Exxon) Mobil’s profit = $11,000,000,000. The most profitable quarter for any company.

So let’s start with the industries this is killing.

·         Auto Manufacturers. Our backbone for most of our economies’ history. Ford may not survive. It’s partly their fault for making cars that sucked and broke down at the 1st** traffic light after leaving the lot, but I’m concerned for their employees.

·         Airlines. The ‘Going Out of Business Sale’ is hanging in many terminals. Joe Average cannot afford to go to see his mother buried. I wonder if Exxon will send flowers or make a donation to his favorite charity- ‘Keep Our Seniors Warm’.

Now the consumers. Consumers are charging up a storm paying $4+ for gas. There will be a crisis at the credit card companies akin to the housing market. People will stop paying their bills and the next wave of foreclosures will hit the shore like Hugo.

As I’ve told you, I have to go in $20 increments. I’m trying to drive less, but I was never a ‘cruise the strip’ kinda guy to begin with. Inevitably all that means is I go to the gas station more often. And get more depressed. Me and my ‘low fuel’ light are getting to be acquainted far too often. And no amount of Glenlivet makes it go away- it just gets fuzzier and starts to laugh at me.

Then we have $5 per gallon home heating oil this winter. I’m telling you, people will be found frozen as often as they were found drowned after Katrina if something drastic does not happen. Shades of the revolt in Sheryl Crow’s Gasoline are coming quicker than she projected. Mad Max too.

Food. The cost of your pizza. Inflation is next.

The thing that kills me the most is now the Oil companies are running ‘good will commercials’- look at us- we’re pretty- we’re YOU- any 401ks are tied into us, so when we make a fucking gazillion dollars, we really are making it for you.

Really?

I gobbled up my entire 401k soon after Bush took office and when this never ending rich getting richer scheme started to unfold.

The guy that owns the stations is barley surviving- Exxon dictates what price to sell at. He makes about 2 cents a gallon no matter what the retail price.

The oil companies’ average sale price per barrel was $109, up from $57. It’s now hovering around $130, so they are ensured of comparable profits in the 3rd quarter as well.

Under supply and demand in a commodity market, you buy low/sell high. That seems to be working in their favor recently. What happens if the oil drops back to $110? It won’t because they’ll stop buying it and create a shortage that drives it right back up.

The executives of these companies are going to hell. I know their mother won’t freeze this year and if she dies they’ll have a nice comfy corporate jet to whisk them to Miami and back to their golfing vacation in 4 hours.

 

Can anyone tell me what we’re going to do??

 

**- proud of me Noelle?

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web