Hey guys! It’s your favorite pseudonymous NFL player here back with some exciting news — my dangerously honest book on life in the League, NFL Confidential, is now officially available in stores, meaning you should officially be buying stacks of them. And, just as exciting, the NFL Playoffs are starting this weekend!
This is my favorite time of year, not because of the football — which is a pain in my ass, among many other body parts — but because this is the prime season for coaches, owners, and players like me to spew the most ridiculous, meaningless clichés in response to all the media’s most ridiculous, meaningless questions.
To help you cut through all the NFL PC bullshit, I’m gonna translate a few recent gems for you:
Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger on receiver Martavis Bryant:
“He needs to understand that, and this is coming from love from me and other guys, that this time of year, you’ve got to toughen up … find ways to do everything you can to help this team.”
“I got the keys to the ignition and I’m driving the bus right over this guy if we lose. In fact, I’m almost HOPING we lose, just so I can blame this sorry sap for everything. Then again, no, because if we do win, I’ll take all the credit for that and say it’s a good thing he listened to my advice. Whatever. Either way, this is a total win-win for me.”
Giants owner John Mara on his firing of coach Tom Coughlin:
“There may be some capacity in which he could (still) help us. We want him to stay involved because of everything he has brought to this organization, everything he could still possibly do at some point in the future.”
“I’d love to have him around! Janitor, intern, OBJ’s dandruff cleaner. The competition is tough, but we’ll be happy to look at his resume again. Maybe my niece Rooney wants an extra geriatric assistant? Not Kate, though. She’d hate him.”
Tom Coughlin on his “voluntary retirement”:
“I’m not necessarily done with coaching.”
“Kate Mara is sexy as hell — I would be her assistant in a heartbeat. Not that Rooney chick, though — she’s just plain weird. I mean, seriously, lay off the mascara,you know?”
Peyton Manning on reports that he used HGH four years ago:
“The allegation that I would do something like that is complete garbage and is totally made up. It never happened. Never.”
“Having the stuff sent to my wife wasn’t enough to keep me from getting caught? Shit! I should have sent it to Aunt Sheila. She’s nice. I like nice things. Corgis are nice. I wonder if I could get a corgi named Meyton Panning? I bet I could ship my drugs to a dog. Oh, something shiny!
Texans star JJ Watt on overcoming his recent hand injury:
“I don’t like to make excuses. No matter what the situation is, you never make excuses. You just go out there and play. So I was never going to say it was hindering me or anything.”
“And indeed there will be time to wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” Time to turn back and descend the stair,with a bald spot in the middle of my hair — (They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”) My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, my necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin — (They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”) Do I dare disturb the universe?”
Richard Sherman on the Seahawks facing the Cardinals in the playoffs:
“They should be concerned.”
“Damn, you want something bigger, right? Something ‘ghetto’ and controversial so I can get clicks for you fuckers? I have a degree from Stanford, dammit. You people make me sick.
“Then again, I do really like all those endorsements I’ve been getting. I could use another soup commercial. Fine,how black do you want it? Is an ‘N-word’ good enough for you? Maybe just the ‘-ah’ version. Not the ‘-er.’ one?”
Cam Newton after the birth of his son:
“It was pretty cool, pretty cool. All fathers can speak on it — when you see life come into existence, it’s a wonderful thing.”
Yeah, um. He probably pretty much just means that one. I guess.