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May 01, 2016

Premise: Skunks stink. Stinky things are funny. Ergo, skunks are funny.

With Simone, my red-vested Service Skunk, at my side, I can now leave my house with the social confidence of George Clooney. You ask what in the world could a nervous, easily scared skunk with a hair trigger do for anyone other than cause days of olfactory unpleasantness. Yes; to be completely honest, there is usually A LOT of collateral damage but well worth it.

After a recent vacation to Mexico, I suddenly developed random, potent and recurring bouts of Montezumous Gasseosis. After spending months in and out of the Mayo Clinic, trying several homeopathic remedies and attempting painful days of simply holding it in, I was clinically diagnosed with BCS - Burnt Cauliflower Syndrome. This is much more common than one might imagine especially among Germanic mother-in-laws often found within the cover a kitchen cooking some variation of sauerkraut (Sauerkraut Casserole, Sauerkraut and Muenster Cheese Noodles, Sauerkraut Surprise, Double Boiled Sauerkraut).

There is no clinically proven cure. The only prescribed remedy is not a cure at all. It does not even mitigate the problem. Actually, over time, symptoms in fact increase as new found freedom is exercised. All of this life-changing relaxation is the result of always having a mature, irritable skunk within a 6 foot radius. By having Simone on a doctor-prescribed 6 foot leash, I am always within the cloak of cover.

It used to be that I couldn’t even take the crowded 207 from my house to work without having real pains. Now, one firm, twisting pinch to her soft underbelly while she sits on my lap and she will immediately show her displeasure through her usual methods while I calmly and discreetly liberate myself from discomfort.

Long term relationships are difficult but for now, me, Simone and my gastro-intestinal tract, are at peace.