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April 14, 2011


Ten More Movies that I Hate.

1) CELLULAR - twelve things I learned from this movie:
1) If you want immediate service at a Cell phone store, shoot the ticket machine with a gun.

2) It's not stealing a cell phone charger if you leave the money for it with the clerk.

3) Everyone in LA has cell phone service with "457 Communications"

4) If you click enough wires in a shattered phone while trapped in an attic, you will eventually reach the guy who will save you.

5) That "You can't bullshit a lawyer baby!"

6) That if you try to pass a bus on a Geo Metro with the words "Safety First" painted on the body, you will almost certainly fail

7) That it's not a beauty parlor, it's a day spa

8) That it's the algae that makes the Avocado Face Creme work

9) That Kim Bassinger has more fight than Ryan

10) That body pumps 30 L of blood per minutes, but there's only 5 in the body

11) That Felix Da Housecat's Sinnerman (Heavenly House Mix) is the gayest chase music.

12) That it is entirely likely that your Porsche will be stolen right in front of you twice...in the same day...by the same guy.

2) RUSH HOUR 3 - Jackie Chan hate this franchise, and I found a quote from him, so I’m letting him do the talking:
Chan’s said he hates Rush Hour so does he still feel that way after doing Rush Hour 3? “Not hate,” explained Chan. “In the beginning, like Rush Hour 1, I hate to do…how should I say? Not hate, I'd lost confidence in the American market. I don't know what American audiences like. My manager begged me to do it until I proved the audience [doesn’t] like these kinds of movies or they don't like you. Then I make Rush Hour 1. I wasn't lying. I hate the American system. I cannot move the table, I cannot move the dolly. I'm the stunt coordinator. I cannot put my camera angle because that's the DP. The DP controls it. The DP is not the action director! How can he know my angle? I want more days. No, cut. Dialogue, five days. Action, one day. That doesn't make sense. I hate the movie.
By the time we finish, suddenly the director says, ‘Let's act a scene. You say, ‘Hey, ho, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.’ I don't know the song. ‘Chris will teach you.’ I said, ‘Are you going to sing the song?’ ‘Yeah.’ Chris sings in his normal life. ‘What is it good for?’ I hate that, the whole thing, I hate it, even the movement [bobbing his head]. Then after editing I see the movie and I think, ‘That's it, my career is finished.’
I go back to Asia and I tell all my friends how I hate the American system and I hate Rush Hour. Boom! I get a phone call, big success. I said, ‘What? I don't understand.’ But when I'm in the theater, when I sing, ‘What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.’ Wow, the audience, whenever I traveled around the world, the children, ‘What is it good for? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?’ Everybody. Then I'm like, ‘Wow, that's how good is Brett Ratner, the director and the writers too.’ Because for me, I don't know the dialogue. I don't know what's the fun. The action, compared to my own movies, my Hong Kong movies, it's nothing. When I'm making an action film in Asia, three months for a five minute fight scene. Dialogue, one day. It's totally different.”

3) DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD - This movie was horrible, why do people make needless prequels? George Lucas, I’m looking at you, motherfucker. Okay, I'll admit that the kid who plays the young Lloyd in this prequel does a pretty spot-on Jim Carrey. But it's saying something when the height of cleverness in this grab bag of short-bus retard jokes and doody gags is right there in the title. The moronic Mutt and Jeff's nemesis is played by Eugene Levy, who needs an intervention on how to say ''no'' before they approach him for The Man 2.

4) JAWS: THE REVENGE - After a Great White eats his plane, Michael Caine gets out of the water in a wet shirt. In the next shot, it's bone-dry. This is the kind of attention to detail that makes the fourth Jaws film really suck. The man-eater follows Mrs. Brody to the Bahamas,(look up the late Richard Jeni’s rant about this) where Mario Van Peebles plays a Rasta marine biologist. The video box boasts that it's ''the most incredible Jaws adventure of them all.'' Which is technically true.

5) BATMAN FOREVER - Never thought I'd be nostalgic for Tim Burton, but at least he directs a movie and gets actual life out of his actors. Joel Schumacher didn't seem to do much beyond tell people where to stand when they spoke their lines. (Apparently, Schumacher boasted in an interview that with actors of this caliber, he didn't have to direct anyone. Well, Joel, we could tell.) We are shown the trappings of Two-Face's nature, but we never get inside it. Not that there's time. There are, after all, about seventy-six plots happening at once here, and they're all over-abbreviated. There's the Two-Face plot the Riddler plot -- these two merge into one about halfway through -- the Robin plot, and the Chase Meridian plot.
The last two plots are both utterly superfluous. Robin serves no real useful function in this movie. If you eliminate Robin, it doesn't change the film one fucking bit. There's no preparation for the Graysons' appearance dramatically, and the Dick Grayson/Robin character is so unnecessary to the rest of it that you forget all about him when he's off-camera.

6)BATMAN AND ROBIN - Batman and robin is director Joel Schumacher’s 1997 follow-up to his successful Batman Forever. Again, there is a new Batman in the form of George Clooney, the same Robin (Chris O’Donnell), and Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman). And guess What, they are out to get Batman! this film sucks more than I can put into words. It is beyond me to describe just how fucking awful this piece of shit is.

7) THE AMITYVILLE HORROR - I’m talking of course about the 2005 remake starring Ryan Reynolds, yeah the same one who is in practically every superhero movie. First of all, I believe George Lutz and his wife made it all up, I remember seeing something on the Discovery Channel about it. But the movie, like the original, and the book before that, boasts that is entirely based on a true story. But this remake takes extreme liberties. The kids don’t even have the same name and Jodie is a kid instead of a demonic ghost pig. A newspaper Kathy finds states that the DeFeos lived in the house for only 28 days before being murdered. This is not true. The DeFeos lived in the house for nine years before being murdered. The Real Estate Agent says the house was built in 1602, while the real house was built in 1942. So this shit flick is loosely even based on anything. I wanted to tell Mr. Reynolds to GET OUT!

8) THE MASK - uh, Jim Carrey, I Hate him. His movies suck, he sucks, he is a slippery demon of assumption comedy. One assumes he is funny cause he flaps his arms around and acts like an ass ( much like Chris Kattan or Dane Cook or a retarded walrus). So like every movie I’ve written about, I look it up on the web, to refresh my memory. I found a message board that I’m going to post, just a few gems.

Posted: 2/28/2005A review of The Mask by Anonymous
Posted: 7/16/2004A review of The Mask by chasercj2
this is a rock on move

Posted: 5/7/2004A review of The Mask by Shimira5
I love Jim Carey movies and I have never see a much funnier movie, Especially when he tries to put the mask on in the day and it didn't work when he tried. Jim Carey if you can read this I loved that movie, even though it is old I still love it and I hope you make another one like that one.

Posted: 10/11/2003A review of The Mask by txchic2003
I think that " the mask" is i very bad movie for children of this generation to watch because of the high amount of violence that this movie contains.... yeah right this movie is cool because its awesome! boo ya! Had ya fooled didnt i?!?

Posted: 6/7/2003A review of The Mask by 2cutehottie73
It was good for everyone to pick Jim Carrey for thr roll of this part and it is the funniest movie I have ever saw. People say tat Jim can be very romantic but I don't really believe that (he's too funny!).

So, there you have it, a wonderful example of the fans of Carrey and of the MASK. All sounded Handicapped. Shit, I don’t even feel like I need to review it.

9) GHOST RIDER - Columbia Pictures is officially out to screenwriters for Ghost Rider 2, and Nicolas Cage has already signed on. This is shocking because nobody I know enjoyed the 2007 film when it was released. This movie could have been awesome, but it sucked so bad. Nicolas cage is nearly unwatchable in every movie he is in ( NEXT, FACE/OFF, THE WICKER MAN). I remember in some commentary on the first one how he is such a huge Ghost Rider fan and just had to do this role, and then after getting it, he personally suggested several changes that were used in the film. The one that sticks out in my mind the most was that he didn't want Blaze to be an alcoholic, but instead of eliminating the addiction aspect from his character, he thought that jellybeans would be a great substitution. "Like he could just always be eating them at home. And like have big glass jars of them. Maybe even eat them out of a rocks glass." Is he retarded? Maybe he was thinking about that old PBS show called GHOST WRITERS. The Ghost Rider comics I remember were dark and not candy-coated like jellybeans.

10) EVERY MOVIE WITH ADAM SANDLER IN IT EXCEPT AIRHEADS - Adam Sandler recently said he will only make comedies from now on since "serious actors are always in a bad mood."
Maybe they're ticked off that when he stars with them in such faulty dramatic flicks as REIGN OVER ME and SPANGLISH, nobody buys tickets. I guess don't blame the actor; blame his fans preferring trash like YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN.
Now I know most of you reading this are under his spell of stupidity and are going to write below that “hey, I like Adam Sandler”. I’m sorry, I just don’t like lame, obvious humor and don't think that putting on a stupid voice and talking out of one side of your mouth (Little Nicky) passes for humor. The reasons I 'hate' the man are, unlike his talents, widespread. There certainly isn't enough room in this box, to list them all.