Every day, I turn on my 19” 1984 Sears Extra Max Standard Definition television and watch the news. And there they go again, mocking an everyday American nice guy: Steve Bannon. They can’t think of a single nice thing to say about the guy.
First of all, have a little sympathy for him. He clearly has some sort of leprosy, which these days you can pretty much only get from handling armadillos. (1)Anyone who loves handling and training armadillos can’t be that bad. And, despite having this disfiguring, ancient, and highly contagious disease, he managed to rise to the top of the American political establishment. I’d like to see you do that while still having time to compassionately handle and train armadillos. Not so easy, huh?
After serving in the Navy, he went on work as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs, a neighborhood bank. (2) Sub-prime mortgage crisis? More like sub-prime mortgage opportunity! They were just helping people buy houses in their own thoughtful way: by cramming thousands of bad ones into mortgage-backed securities then passing the thrilling risk to us, the American every day nice guy. (3) And so what if they are allowing supercomputers to manipulate the entire economy through an inaccessible dark pool of high-frequency stock trading? I’ve met a supercomputer: my Alexa! And she’s very nice.
After banking, Steve made movies, and only some of them were about race wars. Movies! Was James Cameron a jerk for making Titanic? Hardly! I think it’s pretty hypocritical to say James Cameron is a nice guy, but Steve Bannon, who also made movies, is a mean guy. (4) I just don’t get these Hollywood types or their values (especially those types. You know who I mean!)
People really pile it on Steve for his involvement with Breitbart News, a website. I don’t know about you, but I think anyone who makes a website must be pretty nice. I’m not Bill Gate, so don’t press me on the details, but it seems to me that the internet has been a pretty good thing for the world! Why blame a guy for making the World Wide Web a bigger and better place? (5, 6)
Even Trump is pushing ol’ Steve away now. I don’t get it! Even the cynics would agree that Steve’s work in the West Wing speaks for itself.