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March 27, 2015

A list of some of the TSA red flags for spotting terrorists at airports


Is this woman acting terroristy? Terroristy isn’t a word? Sounds like a grammatical point a terrorist would know…

A copy of he TSA’s terrorists’ behavior checklist was recently leaked, and it’s full of interesting information. Acts such as looking down or having a pale face will earn you points toward being an enemy of America,but that’s not all they’re looking for. If you’re worried you might be exhibiting terrorist-like behavior at airports, give a look at the checklist we’ve compiled below for some of the actions not mentioned in the official TSA list.

  • Nervously fiddles with their grenade in the security line +1
  • Wears an “Osama Bid Laden \#1!” foam finger +2
  • Can correctly spell the name of any of the “-stan” countries +1
  • Asks you to please not open their passport as they hand it to you. +1
  • Claims reason for visiting destination is “supes normal reasons. Do you guys check crotches at security?” +1
  • Yells, “I’m a terrorist!” and then when you ask, “Did you just say you’re a terrorist?” they respond, “Nah.” +2
  • Yells, “I’m a terrorist!” and then when you ask, “Did you just say you’re a terrorist?” they respond, “Yup.” +3
  • Winks as they answer “No” to the question, “Does your bag contain any hazardous materials?” +2
  • Quotes a book +1
  • Uses the phrase, “I guess you jihad to be there.” +2
  • Smells like a bomb +3
  • Talks about the time he/she bombed the U.S.S. Cole +2
  • Calls it “11/9” +3
  • References the shoe bomber simply as Rick +1
  • References having voted for a third-party candidate +4
  • Anxiously sweating all over their bag marked “Not Dynamite!” +2
  • Looks at TSA agent confusedly when asked if he or she would like a road soda +2
  • Is excited to fly Delta +6
  • Keeps shoehorning the phrase, “State sponsored terrorism is the worst, right guys?” into conversation in a way that makes it clear that they don’t actually believe that. +3
  • Not white +9