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August 21, 2017
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The Defenders delivers what all the fans wanted to see - an hour of people eating Chinese food.

Last episode ended with a dope seven minute fight scene. If my knowledge of TV budgets is correct, then we should see a lot of people hanging out in mostly one room this episode.


1) Without reservation

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“I may have burped some throw up in there. Sorry.”

Danny Rand, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, and Matt Murdock run in to a Chinese restaurant after hours. This is New York, you need a reservation!

Luke and Jessica catch each other up on their new BFFs and then remember they used to bang.

Danny makes introductions but Matt isn’t interested in making new friends. Can’t they respect that he identifies as Scar(f)face?

Jessica tells him to cut the shit and get with the program. Could have used that at any point during “Daredevil.”

Matt pouts and finally introduces himself. Jessica finally gets what she wants - her damn scarf back.

NO ONE CARES WHAT YOUR SUPERLATIVE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

2) Unpretty

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You can buy all the makeup a man can maaaaaaaaake

Elektra checks out her battle scars from when she wasn’t dead. Alexandra Grant reminds her that she’s the Black Sky, not the Instagram model daughter of a Greek consulate. Reductive!

3) Before they’re Defenders, they’re Prefenders

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“It’s called a karate chop because you ‘chop’ like this, but with karate.”

The Defenders have a nice Chinese dinner. Jessica reminds them they just broke a bunch of legal laws. Danny suggest they team up up to take on The Hand together. Mark that timestamp - Danny FINALLY had a good idea!

Before they can put their hands in a circle and say “Whoa, Defenders!” Stick In The Mud shows up to ruin the mood.

Hey, I’m still an asshole

4) Grin and bear it

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UP IN DEM GUTZ

Grant discusses her enemies becoming friends with a rich man taxidermining a bear in a penthouse. Me? I watch pro wrestling to unwind.

The pair have a Star Wars conversation. You know, where they’re both speaking different languages but understand each other completely?

5) *Heavy sai*

I hated Mambo Number 5!

Elektra wanders through the closet of wonderful toys and recognizes something in her sais. GET IT GET IT GET IT?

White Hat taunts her and she beats up his friends. Never mess with a woman’s closet.

6) This feels familiar

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TFW no one asks if you want a bowl of lo mein

Stick Daddy picks up where he left off in “Daredevil” - calling everyone a dumbass. This time though it’s Iron Fist.

Matt’s pissed that the old man is back. Stick tells them only they can save the city from The Hand. Jessica bails, which is her other superpower.

Luke chases her down and asks her to not leave him with the peanut gallery. They share a steamy, sexxxy moment in the rain.

Back in the restaurant the boys try to figure out what to do next.

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“Let’s run away together to the ‘Avengers’ franchise!”

7) Try some Activia

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“My other dress is a less-shiny trashbag tied in a knot”

Alexandra Grant takes some immortal Xanax. She’s definitely hundreds of years old right? That’s not a knock on aging actresses in Hollywood! That’s the plot of the show!

8) Cruisin’ for some boozin’

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“By our powers combined…”

Jessica returns home and has her own team-up with booze and a laptop. They are - The Drunkfenders!

It’s a more effective group already because she notices that the same signature has signed all the corporate filings she researched dating back 200 years. PLEASE RE-SEE NUMBER SEVEN.

9) Secret Origins

Stick tells the guys the origins of The Hand; it all ties back to Alexandra Grant.

Danny thinks the time to strike is now but Matt tells him it’s a bad idea and gets upset about the people that died on his TV show. This is a long ass dinner.

10) Love, Actually

Jessica shows up drunk at the widow Raymond’s house. Jessica slurs that they need protection but there’s already someone in a cool SUV watching over them.

11) Chat n’ chew

Joke’s on you; those dumplings about to give you Immortal Diarrhea

It’s hour nine of the endless Defender dinner. Danny keeps eating because he needs to replenish his chi. So I guess this is a…chi-eat meal? So that he doesn’t…die-t? I don’t have a lot to work with people.

Stick talks at Matt while Matt listens at the window. He tells Matt he knows they both met up with Elektra since she died but it’s not Elektra anymore. Matt remembers that she hesitated when he said her name.

No time to figure out what that means, though - they both hear someone coming. Maybe it’s the waiter with the 13th course of their dinner?

12) Who does number two work for?

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“Is this a date? If it’s a date you have to tell me!”

Jessica jumps the goon in the SUV. She tells him “haters back off!” and beats him like a piñata, hoping some secrets spill out.

13) Your table is ready

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“Yes, it is I, Professor Opulent!”

Back in the restuarant - oops no, it’s Alexandra Grant. She tells them all their team-up is futile. She offers Danny a choice - come with her if he wants New York to live. Luke smells a rat and tells her to get bent.

The door is kicked open and in walks Elektra. She reserved that table two weeks ago, you guys!

Before we get a throwdown showdown, though, Elektra gets moweddown.

Jessica shoves an SUV through the front of the restaurant and schmackos the assassin.

Jessica rejoins the crew as Elektra gets up. Everyone does their fighting stance animation from the character selection screen…

A new player has entered the arena!

But we’ll have to wait ‘til next time to see what happens! Or hear what happens; sorry Matt. So visionist of me.


A full downtime episode pushed our plot forward, but I still have many questions, like:

-How long did this night last?
-Who kept cooking them food?
-Is Elektra hungry?
-Does the group know that Jessica merged with alcohol to form the powerful fighter Drunk Jessica?

We’ll find out next time!

Check out the rest of our coverage of “The Defenders.”

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