Full Credits

Stats & Data

2Funny
0Die
79
Views
September 18, 2017
Published
Description

Toys 'R' Us isn't doing too hot but why should the CEO, Dave Brandon, care? He already has all the toys he'd ever need, which is far more valuable than money.

Insiders are expecting that Toys ‘R’ Us will declare bankruptcy this week. The toy store empire has faced a great deal of lost business with the rise of Amazon and other online resources to buy toys from. Even in the face of their reported $5 billion debt, The CEO, Dave Brandon, insists there is nothing to worry about. In Brandon’s opinion, this will only “streamline” the business. “Sure, we are out of money. Actually, we owe a lot of money.” He says, “But who needs it?” Dave’s outlook on the situation is simple: toys are worth more than money.

“Look, you need money to buy what? Toys. And would you look at that! We already have all the toys we want! I can literally find all of the toys on my Christmas list in here.” Some financial experts say Brandon is in denial but there is no denying this guy takes toys seriously. Brandon says “toys are more important than money. Toys are more important than gold, than my family, than institutions, than you and me. Toys are even more important than God himself.”

Saving-the-Big-Box.jpg

“Look at these toys! You think you can slap a price on all of these?”

Financial institutions such as J.P. Morgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, and Wells Fargo have all reached out offering to finance Toys ‘R’ Us during this rough patch. CEO Dave Brandon has told all of them no: “If I wanted to buy new toys, and it wasn’t my birthday, Mommy and Daddy made me buy them with my own money. And that is what I have done. I own every. single. toy. So why would I now need money from Mommy and Daddy…I mean, the banks.”

“You need money to buy what? Toys. And would you look at that! We already have all the toys we want!”

The Wall Street Journal reports: “Toys ‘R’ Us depends on the holiday season to recoup losses and drive sales. Last fiscal year, the holiday quarter accounted for about 40% of its $11.5 billion in revenue."CEO Dave Brandon is well aware of that fact. He says, "Yeah? You think I don’t know that? The holidays are the worst time of the year. All these Money Monkeys [how he refers to people that value legal currency] come into our stores and take our awesome toys. And for what? Paper? We give them items that spark imagination and in return we get fire starter.” He then went on to say that in post WWI Germany, families would burn piles of money to stay warm since the value of the German dollar was so low. He began to yell and went on to imply that if Hitler had more toys, maybe WWII wouldn’t have happened.

“I’d burn this company to the ground before I hand over a single toy from our shelves.”

Advertisement