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May 20, 2013

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Semi-popular band under fire for brutal crowd-fighting at shows

ex-NEWS-ive Press Release Aug xx 2012: The moderately successful, semi-popular band called “The Dark Shadows Is All We Are When We Are Our True Selves, Not Hiding In The Darkness Where The Others Dwell, say they ”like the intimacy that smaller venues provide” when asked in an interview about the escalating violence at their shows. The band has a consistently medium-sized following in the following genres:

crunk-core, scare-core, blood-techno, horror-pop, scream-dance, boo-metal, fashion-core, ghost-electro and techno-scare, porn-metal, sex-techno, killyourfriendsandyourfamily-core and many more.

“Yeah our friends at first like just listened to our stuff, but then like word of mouth and negative internet articles and comments and petitions really helped us out n shiiiiit” Lead singer Steffan Gabe said, who’s kool hair covers his right eye completely.

“Yeah totes.” the lead keyboardist, Caleb Joonstone added. ”I mean, these intimate small venues really help us connect with fans. Really connect. I mean we usually end up smashing someone in the head with our keytars or something, but it’s kool cuz they feel the music more that way. I mean, plus like when you’re losing blood, you’re like really a little out of it and it helps with the whole vibe. The tribe loves it.”


The tribe refers to their fans.


“Yeah man, our fans are like a tribe. A band of brothers. A quartet of sisters. Anything, man. And one thing you know about tribes? You don’t FUCK with the tribe. If you’re disloyal, they’ll cut you out. But you ain’t just out. You’re families in trouble too. They’ll rip out your heart and eat it. They’ll slaughter the family dog and drown you in it’s fuckin’ juices. They fuckin crazy. If you seen that movie apocalypto, you know what it’s about, yeah?”

“Yeah, the more blood, sweat, and tears, the better.” Steffan interjected.

“Plus it’s like, yo, we get to see like all our fans like right there like right in front of us. I can see their sweat, their pain. Right there. Even cause more pain because I can like, go into the crowd and just starting beating the shit out of them if I wunt. Usually I use like a mic or a blunt object though, I can’t injure myself, you know, on account of the tour and all.”

“Yeah, like I’m not too much into like the fighting part of it, but if that’s what the fans are into, whatevzzzzzz rage it out. TRIBE 4 LYFE!” adds Caleb.

“The fighting is what we’re always asked about. It’s like, dude, you’re a internet/blog news reporter dude, don’t you have anything better to do than asking about kids seriously almost killing each other at shows? By the end of a show, the whole audience is just brawling and beating the FUCK out of each other. That’s just how it is. Last show, just FYI, we had at least 3 kids being taken out on a stretcher. But to them, that was the best show they’ve ever been to. Kids who’ve seen Bieber even say this, and that was the best show I’ve seen. Deal with it.”

The fighting aspect of the band shows is puzzling, since their music consists of computerized guitar sounds and melodies, and their band only has a keyboardist, singer and electronic drummer/dj. It doesn’t exactly sound like rock, or even metal. The lyrics, however, consist of garbled, shrill ear-piercing screams, squelches, mouth-farts, belch-yelps, cough-poops, hot farts, and other sounds.




“Well, our music is very dark. Very, very very, very very very dark. We don’t use guitars because that’s the obvious route to take. The keytars rock out more than as lead guitars would. Do we need electric guitar sounds? No, we are actually heavier through not using them. It’s deeper and darker. And my voice is also an instrument. It’s really like a weapon. I decimate the audience with my vocal projectile explosions”

The band has drawn comparisons to Blood on the dance floor, metrostation, Attack! Attack!, Resist Resist, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Knife-Cutting, Guys who are Into Guys, and others in their scene. But don’t compare them to anyone.

“Dude, we are our OWN FUCKING SOUND. Don’t come at me with that. Blood on the dance floor? Yeah, we chilled with them. We ate. We draaaaank.”

“We got intimate and a lil’ weird. But look, we not is them, ya get me? We have not only blood on the dance floor, but every other fuckin fluid you can think of.”




“Yeah, I mean, but lately it has gotten like a little out of hand, cuz like, my friend Tom-tom winded up in the hospy and he was backstage. Someone in the crowd find out and just beat on him cuz they were sayin he was ashadow-hider” Caleb confessed.

“Dude, yeah but you know what you are in for when you come out here. Tom-tom should’ve shown his dark loveBut still, give him my best wishes and I hope he can recover after losing so many limbs.” Gabe added.

The band’s shows have grown increasingly violent, with critics arguing that the band is known solely for their terrible controversy, and not their terrible music.

“Yeah, we know it’s grown and gotten more brutal. But I encourage it. I encourage you to come, show your dark love to us, in whatever way you can. Be it by physical violence, brutally physically attacking or raping your friend or love ones, or self-injury. The most impressive by far? Self-harm. This shows that our music is worth your life, your suffering. Your blood.”

“Look, I’m educated. I did school. I did books. I did wikipedia. I know things. I’m college-level orientated. I’m very economical and business minded. I THINK. Yeah?”

NEws-clusive also wants to warn readers that very strong reactions have been reported after listeners first hear the bands music. The reactions range from disgust to violent outbursts and even self-mutilation, heart attacks, strokes, seizures and deaths.