January 29, 2012

Saint Louis, MO. Roger Goodell announced at 1:33 p.m. central standard time that the New England Patriots 2001 win against the Saint Louis Rams was being vacated. In prepared remarks, Goodell stated:

“It is clear that the New England Patriots victory over the Saint Louis Rams was achieved through cheating. There now exists conclusive and undeniable proof that the New England Patriots engaged in the most sophisticated, professionalized, and successful cheating program that sport has ever seen. In addition to vacating the Patriots 2001 season, this office is opening a full-scale investigation into the Patriots conduct over the past eleven years and will issue the largest sanctions ever imposed on an NFL organization. Theses will include but are not limited to a lifetime ban against Bill Belichick from coaching in the NFL, indefinite suspensions to Tom Brady and Lawyer Malloy as co-conspirators and key players in the cheating scandal, six game suspensions to every active NFL player that was on the 2001 Patriots roster, a loss of all draft picks in 2014, and a $500,000 fine against the Patriots organization.”

Details are still emerging about why the Patriots are being punished so harshly and so long after the fact. However, according to unnamed sources, a janitor was responsible for unraveling the entire scandal. “After Bill went on vacation following another humiliating postseason loss to the Baltimore Ravens, one of the janitors, a suspected New York Jets fan, found a secret compartment in Bill’s [Belichick’s] desk containing thousands of pages of detailed notes outlining exactly how the cheating occurred,” says the source.

Tom Brady, Lawyer Malloy, and Robert Kraft were not immediately available for comment. An investigative reporter from the Springs Valley Herald in French Lick, Indiana was able to catch up with Belichick. From French Lick, Bill, under a tightly hooded sweatshirt, responded to the revelations by stating, “Nuts.”

The above is a fake press release created by Lexstop Law Firm LLC. It is a joke advertisement, and Lexstop has no affiliation with nor meant any harm to any of the above named individuals, parties, or organizations. However, we are still angry that the Rams lost the Superbowl to a team that it rightfully should have beaten. The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely upon advertisements. Enjoy the Superbowl. We are rooting for a Harbaugh victory.

Brian Mueller

Lexstop Law Firm LLC

Saint Louis, Missouri